Hate

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I open this post with a quote from Dr. King.  He was a man who lived his life in a very non violent, loving way.  The quote above is excellent and I should really practice it myself.  Should is a very important word.  I have hate in my heart right now for my sister and brother in law.  I hate them.  I'm not supposed to hate, especially your own family, but I do.  I prayed last night for the first time in a long time, I asked god to take this rage I have out of my heart, I asked him to bring peace to my soul again.  I don't wish to hate.  Unfortunately the emotion still lives inside of me.  

So I have decided to cut out destructive influences in my life, the ones that cause this unsettling feelings in my soul.  I cut out the the religion that was causing me bad feeling, next I will cut off my sister.  I'm sorry.  You may be family but you have broken me this weekend.  Your words and actions have caused some sort of divide in my life that my love and I have spent the last day trying to fix. I hate you.  I will try to learn from peaceful people like Dr. King.  But for right now, I'm done with you.

Beautiful lights

 I haven't been to a Jehovah's Witness meeting since this summer.  I decided to actually celebrate the holidays this year, without guilt.  I enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving meal with my boyfriend and his family.  I ate way too many desserts, we played  Bingo and even sang karaoke, it was quite an enjoyable evening.  The next night, I got a phone call from my party pooper mother.    "Why would you celebrate such a pagan holiday?" she yelled through the phone.  I informed her that the holiday had no religious roots and it's main theme was for families to get together for a meal.  Then a few days after that, my sister texted me saying "please give thanks to God every day and not just one day a year by eating turkey."  Geez, they clearly have missed the point of the holiday which is to be with family.  Which doesn't surprise  me since our family can't get together without some sort of major argument.

Since I am now like the spawn of Satan because I have decided to celebrate holidays, I figured I would go all out and even decorate my house a little.

I spent this evening watching the Rockefeller tree lighting special, and I even got little butterflies in my stomach when the tree lit up.  I'm beginning to like holidays...

Common Core Modules

Education is not the same anymore.  I haven’t been doing this job for very long.  I completed my teacher education program in May 2003.   After that, I was a substitute teacher, and then I worked as a ESL/Pre GED instructor at a for family literacy program.  I didn’t get my first teaching job until 2006, months after I finished my Master’s degree in Special Education.  In the last few years, there has been significant shifts in education.  One of the major shifts has been the Common Core State standards.  The Common Core State Standards are an initiative that seeks to bring diverse state curricula into alignment with each other.  The idea behind having national standards may be good. I worked in various states thought my career, each state use to have their own set of standards.  If we are a united country, it may be necessary for our school systems to be united too, and to have one goal…to prepare our students to be college and career ready by the end of 12^th grade.

 One of the major problems I have with the Common Core with are the one size fits all Common Core modules that were adopted by the school district I work for, and many other school in New York.  The New York State Department of Education has provided curriculum modules and units in English Language Arts and Math.  These modules are very scripted.  Most everything the teacher must say and do within the lesson is written down.  How much time it takes to do certain activities is also  listed.   The Child's classwork and homework are created by the state.  These teachers are becoming actors, and merely following a script.  There is hardly any room for creativity.  One of my colleagues informed me she gave one of the state created module exams.  There was forty minutes allotted for giving the exam, but none of the students finished in 40 minutes.  She had to continue on in order to get the whole module completed by the end of the quarter.   I teach Social Studies, the state of New York has not yet come out with modules for Social Studies.  But teachers of math and ELA must follow these scripted modules. 

Recently one of my Facebook friends posted about the Common Core modules.  Her son is gifted and at age ten has already skipped a grade.  He graduated from a private elementary school and had to go to public school, because there are no private Middle Schools in her area.  The child is board at school.  He finishes his work quickly and has to wait for other children to catch up.  The teachers can't give this child a different assignment because they must follow these scripted modules.  It was suggested that he be put into a 7th or 8th grade ELA class, but the books they read in these class, based on common core modules, have murder and rape in them so they are not age appropriate.  Everyone's hands are tied in this situation.

One teacher wrote an excellent post about his take on the Common Core modules.  Please read it, and form your own opinions on the Common Core.

theplainsatisfactions.wordpress.com/.../teacher-ken-siders-not-to-miss-perspective-on-classroom-modules/‎

 

Changes...

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

Gail Sheehy

"You've changed". That's what I was told by my mother this summer.  She really doesn't think I have made positive changes in my life, i think that I have.  I believe  all the  so called "changes" I have made are just normal human development. I have set "life" goals for myself.  I have more than just a job, I have a career, one that I enjoy tremendously.  I am beginning to establish roots, I purchased my first home and I have the cutest dog.  I learned about true unconditional love.  I have a stable, loving relationship with my very best friend.  Yes I have changed.

I found this cute little quote that is quite appropriate for me!

"The Declaration is a magnificent document."
Paul Gillmor

My Declaration of Independence

I hold these truths to be self evident, that all people are created equal.  That they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Some of us believe that worshiping a God will help us in our pursuit of happiness.   It is our right as a human to worship God if we choose.   That to secure the right, religion is set up among men.  When a religion becomes destructive, it is the right of the individual to alter his beliefs, or abolish them.  We have a right to follow a new religion, or no religion at all.  It is up to the individual  to decide how to worship, thus likely  effecting their safety and happiness.

When religion has a long train of abuses, and when a person is forced to serve a religious "dictatorship" it is their right, to throw away such a religion and to be concerned about their future mental security. 

Such has affected me as a Jehovah's Witness, and such is now the necessity which forced me to alter my former religion. 

I, therefore do solemnly declare that I am free and independent from the Watchtower Society and that all connection between me and the Society is and ought to be totally dissolved and that I am a free and independent person.  I have full power to decided to serve god on the way I see fit and to develop relationships with who I want, and to think in the way I want and to do all other acts in which independent people do.

A double standard?

"A lie cannot live" -  Martin Luther King, Jr.

There has been a lot of turmoil for me the last few weeks.  Some of my family members know that I don't believe the Jehovah's witnesses have absolute "truth".  They also know that I have done things in my life that I could be disfellowshipped for.  "Disfellowshipping" is a term witnesses use when they shun a former believer because they supposedly have done some kind of "wrongdoing".

Following is the vast list of offences the Watchtower has created for which a Jehovah's Witness can be disfellowshipped or disassociated.

Adultery (sexual intercourse with a person other than your marriage mate)

Apostasy - 

• Rebellion against Jehovah's organization 
• Promoting sects 

Associating with disfellowshipped people

Blood and blood transfusions

Drug use

Drunkenness

Dishonest business practices

Employment violating Christian principles -

• Working for any religious organization 
• Working in a gambling institution 
• Selling tobacco 
• Contract work at a military establishment                                                                               

False Worship -

• Attending another church 
• Following mourning customs that involve false worship

Fornication

• Bestiality 
• Incestuous marriage 
• Artificial insemination and surrogate motherhood.
• "True Christians, therefore, avoid surrogate motherhood as well as any procedures that involve the use of donated sperm, eggs, or embryos" 
• "Artificial insemination of a married woman by a donor other than her husband makes her guilty of adultery" 
• sexual abuse of children 

Fraud

Gambling or related employment

Gluttony

Greediness

Homosexuality

Idolatry

Loose conduct ( The Watchtower defines "loose conduct" as including "disrespect to elders". This 

enables this term to be used to disfellowship for a wide range of offences not elsewhere covered, and as such is used to cover all manner of sins, such as refusal to cease fellowship with disfellowshipped people, or even being contemptuous in a judicial meeting where no other sin can be proven)

Lying

Non neutral activities (involvement in politics and the military)

Military service 

Obscene speech 

Political involvement

Porneia. Includes oral and anal sex between married couples, mutual masturbation between persons 

not married to each other, homosexuality, lesbianism, fornication, adultery, incest, and bestiality.

Slander

Smoking or selling tobacco

Spiritism (includes yoga)

Stealing, thievery

Subversive activity

Uncleanness

• Sexually perverse practices within marriage, such as oral and anal sex 
• Heavy petting and breast fondling 
• Touching of sexual parts 
• Practice of viewing abhorrent Pornography

Violation of secular law

Violence, extreme physical abuse, fits of anger (includes boxing)  

Willful non support of family, endangerment of mates spirituality

Worldly celebrations such as Christmas

This is quite the list!  On their website (which was created mostly for the public to learn more about Witness) the Watchtower Society  make this claim:

http://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/faq/shunning/

But at their district conventions this year, the Witnesses were taught this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yLdwe_6JsU

Is this Christian like behavior?  You decide.

"I'd like to be settled into somewhat of a normal life. Somewhat. I know it's never going to be completely normal."

 Michael Jordan 

Regular - standard - ordinary - common - usual...all of these words are synonyms for "normal".

 But really, what is "normal"?  Do any of us live completely "normal" lives?  When I was more active as a Jehovah's Witness, I thought it was completely "normal" to spend ninty plus hours out monthly preaching to others about the religion.  This was done no matter what the weather.  We endured extreme heat and cold, terential downpours ect.  Now I've scaled back from doing JW activities.  I go to work, I brought a house, I have a dog..."normal"?  Maybe.  

Something great has happend to me, I fell in love! " Normal", most people would say.  We've known each other for a while, we've been through good times (and bad ones).  I can't fathom my life without him.  He treats me well, his family is wonderful.  Looking at him, you notice something...he's always sitting.  The love of my life has disability that requires him to use a wheelchair.  Is our life "normal"?  You bet!  I'm not saying every day is easy.  But "normal" is what you make of it.  Our relationship is regular, standard, ordinary, common and usual.  

A couple of things that are bothering me...

There are two things that are completely taking control of my thoughts today:  testing and cults (or a nicer way to put it High controlling groups).  Two totally different things, but they  are completely occupying my life right now.

On Testing:

The one size fits all approach of standardized testing is convenient but lazy.

James Dyson

 In 2010, New York state adopted a new teacher evaluation law that said 20 percent of a teacher’s evaluation would be based on student growth on a state assessment or other comparable measure; 20 percent would be based on student achievement on other locally selected measures; and 60 percent would be based on locally negotiated evidence of teacher effectiveness. I really don't mind classroom visits or observations from the administrators at school.  They are welcome to my class at any time, honestly they don't bother me.  I feel that I am pretty good at what I do and I have a great rapport with my students.  I work in what is considered an "underprivileged" school district and the majority of my students have learning disabilities or other issues that may affect how they learn.  The problem is, they don't test well. 

Teachers in New York now have to set goals via a SLO for their students.  A Student Learning Objective (SLO) is an academic goal for a teacher’s students representing the most important learning for the semester or course. SLOs must include baseline performance data for each student, benchmarks to assess progress, and growth goal targets. SLOs are aligned to New York State’s Common Core, national or state standards. Teachers’ effectiveness scores for this component of their evaluation will be based upon the degree to which their goals are attained. 

What's wrong with a teacher setting goals for their students?  Nothing.  But I have a big problem with these SLO's, now students have to take a pre and post written test for every course they take.  I'm talking about EVERYTHING, including gym, art, music, home and careers and the like.  How is over testing producing well rounded students?  My students are sick of tests and I'm sick of them.  Here's my other issue with setting goals:  what if I set high expectations for my students and they don't achieve the test score that I thought they would achieve while another teacher teaching the same subject sets out a lower goal for all of her students, am I an ineffective teacher because I set the bar high?  Ok, I’m done venting about test.

On Cults:

One person's religion is another person's cult.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

One dictionary defines a cult as:

A system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object.

A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister

Deception lies at the core of mind-manipulating and high-demand ("cultic") groups and programs. One person who has extensively studied cults is Steven Hassan.  Steven Hassan became involved with the Moonies and upon being 'deprogrammed' went on to become a world's renowned cult specialist. The rising number of manipulative groups makes his books Combating Cult Mind Control (Park Street Press 1990) and Releasing the Bonds (Freedom of Mind Press 2000) important reading.

Destructive mind control can be understood in terms of four basic components, which form the acronym BITE:

Behavior Control (ex. Rigid rules and regulations,  a major time commitment to the group ect)

Information Control (ex. Use of deception, Access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged, extensive use of cult generated information and propaganda ect)

Thought Control (Need to internalize the group's doctrine as "Truth", Black and White thinking, No critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy seen as legitimate ect)

 Emotional Control (Excessive use of guilt and fear, Fear of the "outside" world, the thought that there is no happiness or fulfillment outside of the group)

Since my spiritual "wake up" has happened, I have come to realize that Jehovah's witnesses are just another high control group and they don't have exclusive rights to the "truth".  Since this time, other high control groups have been intriguing to me.  I have been drawn to reading books and watching TV about the Amish as well as fundamentalist Mormons.  Although these groups have very different beliefs, they are all high control groups and share that similarity. 

Anyway, the reason why cults are bothering me today is because my sister (who is very brainwashed) gave me a call this afternoon.  I believe that she knows I have slowed down in my "service to Jehovah"  she thinks her call was encouraging to me, rather it just sounded crazy.  Here is some of what happened:

Me - How's Mexico (the JW headquarters sent her and her husband there on assignment)

Sister - Great! The JW's here are so nice, they are nothing like the worldly people (JW phrase for non witnesses) there is nothing out there in the world.  The people here are so poor they really need the truth.  But Bethel (where they are staying, JW owned and built) so beautiful...

JW's build beautiful facilities while the people who live outside of the facilities are starving.  They don't help out in the community or provided services for the poor, this behavior is so un Christian.  Then they have the audacity to think they are superior to EVERYONE else, people like Mother Therese and Gandhi are not important to witnesses because they were not witnesses.

Ok I'm done venting, thanks for reading!  Bless you if you got to the end of this blog post!!

June 1

“I will not eat cakes or cookies or food. I will be thin, thin, pure. I will be pure and empty. Weight dropping off. Ninety-nine... ninety-five... ninety-two... ninety. Just one more to eighty-nine. Where does it go? Where in the universe does it go?” 

― Francesca Lia Block, Echo

June 1st used to be an important date for me. The fifteen year old me had a specific goal for that date, I would be 120 lbs.  I never knew exactly how much weight I lost that year because before my extreme dieting started, I was afraid of scales.  If I could avoid them I would.  Then something happend, I decided that I needed to loose weight, I gave myself the goal of being 120lbs by June 1st.  I lost a lot of weigh that winter, to the point that a few months into my dieting I could not fit my clothing.  At one point I remember my family telling me that I looked good and I should stop loosing but I had a goal to achieve, I needed to be 120lbs even if it ment that I would cut back on what I ate, drastically.  Food became my enemy.  I counted every calorie, even the ones in a stick of gum or a breath mint.  I ate no sweets and avoided fat if at all possible.  My hands and feet were always freezing, possibly due to iron deficiency anima. I hardly had any energy, but I was skinny!

120lbs sounds like a "normal" body weight for someone my height, but in my body frame I was skinny.  My sister used to wrap her fingers around my ankles, my collar bones would protrude out.  I didn't care though.  By June 1st that year, I had reached my goal but I didn't stop there I continued to diet thought the summer.  I was finally winning the fight against the scale.  

I kept the weight off for abou a year, I celebrated my first June 1st anniversary as a skinny girl.  But something  happened that winter, the scale broke and my mom refused to buy a new one.  I became less obsessed with food and begain eating normally again.  By the time I weighed myself again, I had gained 15 lbs. I tried to loose th weight but I couldn't bring myself to be obsessed with food again.

Through the seventeen years since my original weight loss, my weight has gone up and down but it has never reached the point where I begain my journey as an overweight person.  I've learned the importance of regular exercise and balanced meals with little treats here and there.  This June 1st, I started out the morning with a nine mile bike ride and ended the day with a handful of m&ms.  

The Ten Commandments

Once you depart from the Ten Commandments as being the foundation of right and wrong, you are in a free fall.

Randall Terry 

In my opinion, there is probably no better set of moral laws then The Ten Commandments.  God has provided us with ten straight forward laws that we should follow.  If everyone in the world took to these laws, the world would be a much better place to live.  Here is a list of the simplified Ten Commandments:

1.  Put god first

2.  Worship god only

3.  Use god's name with respect

4.  Remember god's sabbath

5.  Respect your parents

6.  Do not hurt or kill people

7.  Be faithful in marriage

8.  Do not steal

9.  Do not lie

10.  Do not be envious of others

This was from an article  entitled 15 things you should give up to be happy http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/

I especially liked number 15:

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Introvert

I have been called weird and crazy.  Some have suggested that I lack social skills.  Maybe this is true, but I believe I'm just an introvert.  An introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.  Introverts are hard to get to know and may feel uncomfortable around other people who they don't know well. 

Other characteristics of an introvert include:

• Very self-aware
• Thoughtful
• Enjoys understanding details
• Interested in self-knowledge and self-understanding
• Tends to keep emotions private
• Quiet and reserved in large groups or around unfamiliar people
• More sociable and gregarious around people they know well
• Learns well through observation

Introverts make up about 25 percent of the population, that's why we are not easily understood by most.  Here's a quick video that sums up our personality:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BfZatw7B5_I&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DBfZatw7B5_I

Free will

"God isn't about making good things happen to you, or bad things happen to you. He's all about you making choices--exercising the gift of free will. God wants you to have good things and a good life, but He won't gift wrap them for you. You have to choose the actions that lead you to that life.”
― Jim Butcher

I hate that others think they know what will make me happy. I went through a little low in my life last year. My sister insisted that my depression was caused by my job. This of course was not the case. Even though there are some highs and lows with my job, I really enjoy it most of the time, I couldn't see myself doing anything else. She thought she knew what would make me happy.

I am told constantly that Jehovahs people are the happiest people on earth. For example, Watchtower 1999 10/1 p. 8  says:
"Of course, the fact that Jehovahs servants "weep" over the sorry state of world affairs does not preclude their being happy. On the contrary! They are actually the happiest group of people on earth."

 If they think they are happy, so be it. I hope they enjoy their pseudo happiness. But don't try and tell me what will make me happy.

We are all created with free will and we can choose to live our lives the way we see fit. Maybe I don't want to spend seventy hours a month telling people they must join my religion, or they will die anymore. Maybe I don't want to sit through four hours of mind numbing meetings every week. Rather, I'm enjoying the simple things with my time. I want to garden. I enjoy walking the dog. I like to exercise. I enjoy spending time with my love. I am happy.

Sleeping arrangements

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know"? Earnest Hemingway

Last night, we hit a milestone in our relationship, we decided to sleep together. Now get your mind out the gutter, I'm not talking about that kind of sleep, I'm talking about the restful slumber kind of sleep. I've been waiting for this opportunity for a long time.

He is over six feet tall and has a extra long twin bed. And it's a specific kind of bed to accommodate him and his injury. Injury. Yes, not a recent injury though. This injury is twenty years old but it stares at us in the face daily. He has a spinal cord injury from an automobile accident. His injury affects his arms, chest and legs, hence the need for the unique bed.

Anyway, we positioned him in a way that I could get maximum space, which wasn't much space at all. I started sleeping with my head on his chest and his arm was behind my head. I liked sleeping like that, I could hear his heart beat. But he had to check every once and a while to make sure he had circulation in his arm. At some point in the night I ended up with my head facing the opposite direction of his and my feet in his face. Along with this awkward positioning I had a creek in my neck. At a certain point i began to wonder what time it was and I looked at the clock, it was already six a.m. We had made it though the night together. So now I have a stiff neck, and a smile on my face what a cozy night.

Spiritually weak

“Life will get much better when you stop caring about what everyone thinks, and start to actually live for yourself.” - Robert Tew

I used to be a good  Jehovah's witness.  I followed most of the JW rules.  I attended weekly meetings, never celebrated a holiday and rarly  associated with people who weren't witnesses.  I also devoted much of my free time to their religious cause.  I spent eleven years as a full time preacher (pioneer), I volunteered 70 hours a month or 840 hours a year preaching to people.  I even had more "special" witness privileges:  I spent three summers picking blueberrys in the hot sun three days a week at a complex where they produce religious literature.  At the same complex there is an infarmary where older, infermed witnesses who have spent many years living at the complex stay.  I worked a weekend at least every three months in that infarmary for twelve hour shifts for about two years.  I read every word of new publications produced by the witnesses.  I really know how to be a "good witness".

But I just don't care to be a good witness anymore.  I know what they teach is not absolute truth.  Witnesses think their religion is the only one that truly teaches god's word.  When a member of the witnesses slows down in their activity, or does not patricipate fully in witness activity, they are often labeled as "spiritually weak". These individuals may need "encouragement" from "stronger" JW members.  I'm sure some witness see that I am "slowing down".  I'm sure that it is just a matter of time before I become someone's special project, and the will try to give me "spirtual assistance".  I really don't need any assistance, as I have deprogrammed myself.  I'm mentally free from the witness beliefs.  No assistance needed here!  

On life

Unfortunately, instead of doing my normal Saturday morning routine of cleaning, laundry and the gym, I attended a memorial service for my sister's father in law. Although I didn't known him well, he seemed like a great person. He was a medical doctor, professor and he did lots of volunteer work in various countries. I cried for him. When I go to funerals, it oftentimes brings back memories of my own fathers funeral ten years ago. It hurts. I hate death.

Going to funerals reminds me to make the most of my own life. I try to be a good person and make my mark on this world to the best of my abilities. There are so many opinions on what happens to humans when they die, I have enough faith to believe that there is something more, maybe it's even better on the other side. But we should embrace our lives now. And make sure we share every moment the good, and the not so good with the people who love us.

Spring?

Its 10:30 on a Tuesday. At this time, I should be in third period, seventh grade United States History. Instead I am home in my sweats doing laundry. Snow day! It's currently sleeting out, my guess is that there is around 7 inches of snow outside. Don't get me wrong, I like snow days but a snow day the day before the official start of spring really stinks. I'm so over winter. I also have determined that whatever they say about New York having four seasons is a lie, there are only two seasons, winter and summer. Hopefully within the next month or so, I'll be complaining about how warm the weather is...

The loss of a "good" child

I am a very passive person.  I hate fights and arguments.   I work in a middle school and this week I lost it and yelled at the kids in my eighth period class.  I had not done that in years and I felt really bad about it.  I try to avoid confirmation and I never intend to cause people any grief.  Unfortunately, in the last few years I have caused my mom great suffering. It's true, what I have done seems minuscule to most people, but all this is a big deal to my mother...I have given up on religion.  Not  all religion, but I just don't agree with the one she raised me in.  I haven't fully left the Jehovah's witnesses, but I'm really teetering on the edge, barley  hanging onto the religion.  She knows how I feel, and she knows that I stay for family reasons but she still hasn't accepted my decisions yet.

But that's not the only problem.  I'm in a relationship with a non witness.  This is a big no-no to the witnesses.  They want you to only date and even be friends with other witnesses. This is one of many JW teachings I cannot agree with.  Anyway, a phone call with my mom the morning got me thinking of the stages a loss which are:

• Denial, numbness, and shock
• Bargaining 
• Depression
• Anger
• Acceptance

I think my mom is grieving the loss of what she thinks is the ideal child.  Although I'm 32 years old and I'm really not a child, I had followed mostly everything she told me right up until the time I turned 30.  So back to her grieving, she's not at all doing the stages of loss  in order, I think her first reaction to it all was bargaining.  She tried to make deals and plea bargains with me.  Then  it was anger, there was a point when  she was really, really angry with me.  Then she fell into a depression over me.  Now I believe she's in denial.  On the phone this morning she was asking me where I would be attending the JW conventions this summer (I don't think these are a big deal anymore) and then she said something very weird.  It snowed overnight here on the east coast.  She then told me to be careful shoveling because she knew a women who recently fell while shoveling and miscarried her child.  My response to this was "I'm not pregnant". Her response to me was "of course you're not pregnant you don't have a partner".  Yep, she's in denial.  So that leaves only one more stage to go through, that's acceptance.  I hope this happens soon.

Daylight Savings

Its Daylight Savings time this weekend.  Most grumble at the thought of losing the hour of sleep Saturday night into Sunday.  But this day is celebratory for us.  It was exactly a year ago on the Saturday evening before daylight savings time that I first attacked him.  The weapon of choice was my lips.   It started as a somewhat normal Saturday evening; I brought a few drinks over to his house.  At that time I had the hugest crush on him, and my sober self could almost pretend that I didn't.   It  was hard to hold off my feelings after a number of flavored vodka shots. 

I barely remember the events leading up to the “attack”.  I remember us having a fair amount of distance between us.  I remember him saying "I really dig you".  I remember smiling and thinking to myself "maybe he likes me back".  Somehow in between all these thoughts, I acted  on my feeling and  the next thing I remember was sitting on his lap, kissing him and enjoying every second of it until, he played this song for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Df5dmYvmB4

The verse in the song about it being just one night kept playing in my mind.  Of course my drunk self had no control of the words that started to spill from my mouth, "but I love you" I told him.  I went home that night in tears.  What had I done?   Had I destroyed my relationship with my very best friend?  I woke up late the next morning, in between looing the hour of sleep and the tears I didn't feel like facing the world.

But the story doesn’t end here.  This is only the beginning, something happened.  Our friendship stayed intact and  a loving relationship started to flourish.  Originally, we would share a few kisses every now and then.  Then this developed into almost daily visits, texts and phone calls.  When exactly did we become a “we” I can't pinpoint a first date or being asked to be his girlfriend, but  I can point to daylight savings time as being the day that spark officially began. 

So we will celebrate a year of mostly smiles and pure bliss, and sometimes tears (I'm winning the crying contest by many points).  A year of figuring it all out.  A year of helpful advice, and someone always to turn to.  A year of true love, and the hope of many more years of happiness. 

Being brave

I have a dog that weighs less than fifteen pounds. She has a tough bark for a little dog. Right at this moment she's looking out the window growling at the neighbors. Of course she really couldn't defend me if a burglar decided to come in, but she's a brave little thing and I can learn a lesson on being brave from her.

I am a grown women. Actually I'll be thirty-two on Wednesday. I have a decent job and I own a home. I have been living alone for quite some time. I am independent but unfortunately I am continuing to let others run my life. I generally have good judgement and I know what's healthy for me and what's not. But I'm afraid to stand up and speak for myself to rid my life of what's toxic all because I'm not brave enough to do it. Maybe I'll find that bravery one day. But for now, I'll admire my skinny little dog.

I did something I didn't mean to do this weekend, I fell in love with another guy. No worries though, this new guy is furry, four months old and probably weighs five pounds. He's a little yorkie puppy! I have a little dog named Gwen. I adopted her last year from a shelter. I have no idea what type of dog she is, but she only weighs about fifteen pounds. She is full of energy, she also loves people and other dogs. I got her when I was having a tough time last year mentally. My dear friend suggested I get a dog so that I'll have a loyal little friend and someone to take care of. I picked Gwen at the shelter and not her brother because she was so lively and when I picked her up, she licked my face. It was love with that first kiss.

I never had a dog before, growing up cats where the family pet. So I have one dog and now I want another. I took at trip to a dog breeder this weekend just to look at the puppies but as soon as I held this little guy I wanted him. Unfortunately (or maybe it's fortunately), I began thinking with my mind and not my heart. Can I really take care of another pet? So I went home without the little guy and three days later, I'm still thinking about him. I asked Gwen if she wants a brother, she looked at me crocked her head and then continued to chew on her ball. I took that answer as a yes. So I'm still only the mother of one dog right now, maybe if its all meant to be ill be the mom of two. Which is funny because I have said that if I'm ever blessed with a child one day I would want only one, now I realize I can't even be the m to one dog without the desire to have another...

What's "good" about me?

     I'm tired today.  I felt defeated the whole day today.  I need encouragement and hugs.  So I turned to writing which has always been therapy for me.  I have always had low self esteem.  I hardly ever feel or speak highly of myself.  I was told that maybe I should try to write some of my good qualities down.  This is extremely hard for me.  I can come up with a lot of my flaws, but for the sake of this exercise, I'll spare everyone my bad traits and try to come up with a few of my good traits.

1.  I think I'm a good listener. I may not give the best advice, but if you need a listening ear and someone that won't spill your deep dark secrets into the rumor mill, I'm your girl.

2.  I try to be as helpful as possible, just ask I'll more than likely say yes.

Wow this is hard...I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to comeuppance with some more qualities.

3.  Oh yes!  I'm compassionate, I try not to hurt others, and when I do (accidentally) ill try to make it better.

4.  You can depend on me, I try and keep my word.

5.  I'm extremely patient.

This is getting easier!

6.  I believe I'm some what intelligent.

7.  I'm honest.

8.  I'm going to end my list with I'm loving.

Writing this list has made me feel a little better about myself.  😊

Love

Wikipedia says "Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection Love may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals." The bible, at 1 corinthians 13:4-8 says love is "patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

There are many types of love, I love my family, I love my friends, but romantic love is something really special. There are countless love songs and movies based on it. Some people search their whole lives for it. Some people say they found it, but unfortunately the fall out of it quickly. There are self help books and web sites designed for one to find their "soul mates". When it is found love can be euphoric. Love can be the source of so much happiness. So why do others feel like they need to interfere with the love life of others based on trivial things?

Think about the story of Romeo and Juliette. They gave up their lives for love. Unfortunately, they couldn't be together because their family members hated each other. I understand families wanting to be involved in your relationships because they really want you to be happy and they don't want others to hurt you. If your partner has some sort of major personality flaw, or the like, I think it's only right for your family or friends to warn you before you get deep into the relationship. But if they hate your partner only because they are a different race, religion, social status etc., this is wrong on so many levels. Why deny love on trivial matters when it's so hard to find in the first place?