New Year

So, it's New Year's Eve already. Last year at this time I was going through a big mental change in my life, which led me to be depressed. I was miserable at the end of the year. Now I'm not so miserable, I got over the depression. Not to say that at times I never feel a little down, but I'm nothing like I was last year. I believe 2012 was a changing year for me. The year I finally decided to stop believing how others want me to believe. We are created with free will, and it took me 365 days to realize that I will not let anyone take this god given freedom away from me.

Now I'm nervous. I am ready to walk away from the religion. Even writing those words causes a knot in my stomach. I know many will be disappointed with me, or think that I have completely lost my mind. But this is something that I have to do, no more living the lie. No more doing what others think is right. But I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. But I guess that's life. We all must make a choices, some will be good, others will be bad. Hopefully I will be granted the wisdom to make somewhat good decisions.

December...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QfNqtuPl_ok


I can relate to these lyrics. Please don't jump to conclusions, I most defiantly am NOT with a man that is married or dating someone else. I just don't know where I stand in this "relationship" . Maybe lack of a relationship is a better word for it. I couldn't have said it better than the verse of this song that says: "Who am I to you? Where do we stand? Are you my man?"

Life choices

Most people make many decisions in their adult lives. Some of them are major life choices, but most are very minor day to day decisions. I was raised by a single mother, who is very strong willed and independent. She's also very controlling. She always means well but she forgets that its my life and I have to make my own choices, even if they are bad, I must live with the consequences.
Unfortunately I rarely stand up for myself. Always the people pleaser, I try to maintain peace in my family. One of the major life choices that I never have regretted making was my choice in a career.
Many Haitian immigrants work in the medical field. My mother didn't have the opportunity to get any medical training. She worked in maintenance at a college for many years. The job was a stable one and we always had what we needed but she was always embarrassed about what she did and she wanted better for us. From the time I was twelve, I was told I was going to be a nurse. I accepted this fate. When I was asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I always said "be a nurse". Unfortunately deep down inside I wanted to be an author, or a chef.
When I was a junior in high school, I was enrolled in an licensed practical nursing program part time. I hated it. It was that year I also realized I wanted to become a teacher. I came up with a conclusion, maybe I could teach nursing. But deep down inside, I knew I couldn't teach what I hate.
I really sucked at clinical, I was afraid of doing some of the procedures. And I wasn't really interested in what we learned in class about the body and diseases. Surprisingly, I made it through the program, passed the nursing boards and got my license the same year I graduated high. That fall, I was enrolled in an RN program at a local community college.
I knew I was put on this earth to teach. I missed the secondary school environment. I was also very interested in studying history. The nursing program was science heavy and really didn't interest me. I knew I had to stand up to my mom. I lost several nights sleep worrying how she would feel when I told her I was going to change my major. I knew I could never enjoy a career in nursing. One afternoon, I spilled the beans and told her I was an inspiring teacher. "Do whatever will make you happy" she said. And I did just that.
My career in education hasn't always been a walk in the park, but I never regret my choice. I love what I do. People marvel at the connection I have with my students, this was one of the best choices I have ever made.
But lately I have been wanting to make another life choice. I need to leave the religion I was raised in. It's a very high controlling group. I don't agree with the doctrines. I don't know how much longer I can continue being a part of it. I'm proud of my 18 year old self who knew the choices of others were not always good for me. If I leave my religious group my friends and family may shun me, and ill be an embarrassment to them. But I must remember this is about me, not them. I have to make a stand, and I have a feeling it will be soon.

Getting over a tragedy

Like a lot of people, Mondays are generally not my favorite day of the week. It is hard to get back into the swing of things after a weekend off. I work In a middle school and the students seemto forget the rules over the weekend. I often have to remind them of what they should be doing, tell them they are not suppose to forget routines and such.
This Monday is a somber one. On Friday, there was a school shooting in Newton, CT where twenty beautiful six and seven year olds lost their lives along with four teachers, the school psychologist, and the school principal.
This Monday when I arrived at work, instead of focusing on the usually "teacher things" that I have to do, I looked around for places to hide children in my classroom if something like this were to happen at our school. I have been sick to my stomach all morning wondering if we are safe here. I know the chances of something this tragic happening are minuscule, but as a teacher, I know it's better to be over prepared then under prepared.
I know these victims are in a better place. But even though they are, their families here on earth miss them immensely. I pray that the families have the strength to endure living without those who they so tragically lost. I also pray that all Children can be safe while they receive an education.

Loosing my faith

     I didn't mean to loose my faith in god it happened without me even realizing it.  I grew up in a high control religion.  A few months shy of  my thirtieth birthday, I began to have douts about organized religion, especially the group I belonged to.  I tried to do various things in order to find spirituality.  For example, I visited some other churches, I tried to read the Bible, and I have done lots of talking with people of various beliefs.

     Unfortunatly, I still lost my faith.  Religion bothers me.  Some things just don't make sense to me.  Like, is my salvation based on my birth?  Just because I was born in a Christian country and I was raised in a Christian religion, does that mean I am automatically saved?  What if I were born in a totally different continent and was raised to believe not in Christ but something or someone else?  Does that mean I would have no chance to be saved from gods wrath?

     I continue going to religious meetings whith in the organization I grew up in.  It's hard for me to let what I'm used to go.  It's hard for me to disappoint my family,  I know they will be if I told them I was done with religion.  But my faith is gone, and I do want to find it again. But this time, I want my faith to be between god and myself, no religion envolved.  So I will say a prayer:

           "God, please help me find my faith again, please grant me wisdom and understanding in order to find my way.  I want to love you, and appreciate all you have done for me.  I want to give back and do good in the world.  I want you to open my eyes and have me see the ways I can do this.  Please god, please restore my faith."

Living the American dream

     Pride of homeownership.  In my case it's more like "stress of homeownership", owning a home is expensive, especially as a single person.  I closed on a house on Tuesday. It's a tiny, two bedrooms, one bath bungalo.  It's cute as a button, and I believe it will be even better once I put my personal touches on it.  But I have already been putting so much money into it.   Paying for paint and fixtures and the contractor to do the work.  I also have a mortgage now.  It's slightly more than what I pay in rent. I'm in debt for the next thirty years.

     But ignore all my complaints, this investment will be worth it!  The American dream, I've got a house, a dog but not the 2.5  kids and a husband....

     I have journaled since I was fifteen.  I got the idea from watching reruns of "Doogie Houser, M.D." ( I just love Neil Patrick Harris).  I had an old word processor that I used for school.  It was pretty top of the line when it came to word processing.  It had a little disk drive that you could save your documents on.  I journaled on that until the word processor broke a few years later.  I got an iMac my senior year of high school, then I journaled there.  Somehow I lost my files one day.  So unfortunately, I don't have any copies of my early journals.

     I started writing the good old fashioned way - with a notebook and pen, when I was nineteen.  I treasure all of my writings, and on occasion go back and read them.  I laugh at all my insignificant problems, that I really thought were big problems.  One entry that particularly makes me laugh is from March  26, 2001, where I wrote a list of qualities to look for in a guy.  Here is what the nineteen year old me thought were good qualities for a mate:

1.  He has to love god more than he loves me
2.  He has to make me happy
3.  He has to be intelligent
4.  He has to be a little ghetto (I'm still trying to figure out what I meant about this)
5.  He has to be fun and like to do things
6.  He has to be decent looking, and a nice shade of brown
7.  He has to have a good job
   
     This list makes me laugh.  Some things I wrote still hold true.  Numbers 2, 3 and 7 are still majorly important to me.  I would add other qualities to the list, like he has to like kids, and he has to have qualities of a good father amongst other things.  But I don't do lists anymore, my mire mature self knows there is nobody that will perfectly match everything that I'm looking for, but maybe "he" comes close.

In my "quest for happiness", I will try to find beauty in each day, you never know when it will be your last.

     My sister called earlier this week to tell me that a mutual aqatence lost his battle to cancer.  He was in pain for a while, and had not been out much recently.  We all knew he was close to death.  I would ask his wife how he was feeling each time I saw her.  The last time she told me that he was changing, he was now an angry, aggressive person when he was always sweet and mild tempered.  They were married close to forty years.

     When we heard of the death, my mom called me.  She lives in another state.  "Make sure you go to the funeral" she told me.  Of course, why would I miss it?  Unfortunatly, I missed it.  Nobody told me it was yesterday morning.  I arrived at my religious meeting this morning, I was asked by some why I wasn't at the funeral that took place yesterday.  I was extremely upset about missing it.  I cried for a while. But a few people remained me that I can still be supportive to the family.  But it still hurts me that I missed the funeral.  I sould have found out when it was and not assumed it would be later in the week.  So instead of being happy this morning, I felt miserable.

      Life is short.  I want to live mine without any major regrets.  I love the song I posted below.  It has a lot of words of wisdom.



http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=RV-Z1YwaOiw 

Sleep deficit

     Normally I go to bed at 9 pm.  I'm only in my early thirties and I'm asleep by 9 pm!  When I was a kid, my mom liked to go to bed early and she would force us to be in bed early too.  We (my sister and I) would beg and plead to be allowed to stay up and watch some random lifetime movie, you know the ones that start at 9 and end at 11.  But we hardly ever won the fight.   We'd be pouting in bed while our mom would go on, in Haitian Creole,  how a good nights sleep was important for growing children.  When I got old enough not to be given a bedtime, I would stay up to 2 or 3 am, watching tv or playing on the Internet.  Now I start falling asleep during 8 pm sitcoms.  It's usually lights out by 9 for me.  I commute to work, and our contacted start time is 7:05 am. In order to prevent crankiness I go to bed early.

    The 9 pm bedtime holds true for me every night except Friday and Saturday evening.  It's not because I'm out at bars, clubs or such.  I hate clubs actually, the music is loud, the people annoying and I can't dance !  I only rarely go to bars, and when I do it's usually on a random night during the week when it's not so crowded, and well before my 9 pm bedtime.  Those nights of the week I get to spend with "him".  

   "Him", its a long story, maybe one day I'll tell  the full story, but for now all I will say is that he takes away from my sleep because I can't leave him on the nights we are together.  So on weekends when I should be getting ample rest, I instead have a sleep deficit,  going to bed five or more hours past my bedtime.  But that's ok with me, remember I am on a quest to find happiness and maybe, he can help me to get there.