“The urge to shout filthy words at the top of his voice was as strong as ever.”
― George Orwell, 1984

     I don't really curse that much. Well, I say naughty words sometimes, like hell, bitch and ass, but rarely  drop the f-bomb.  Ok, fine, I'm lying.  I curse five days a week when my alarm goes off at 4:50 am.  Our contracted work start time is 7:05 am.  I have a forty minute commute, and with everything I have to do in the mornings,  4:50 is the time my alarm has to go off I. Order for me to be relatively on time.  (Confession...most of the time I'm pulling into my parking space at 7:05 and I'm not in my classroom, that counts as being at the building on time, right?)

    I hate getting up that early.  My body naturally wakes up around 7 am.  Getting up at the crack if dawn irritates me.  I try to go to bed early, but that always doesn't happen.  Thank god for summer vacation!  Soon, I will have a glorious eight weeks in which I can sleep past 6 am.  In only sixteen days, I will turn my alarm clock off  for the summer.  Let the countdown to vacation begin!  Until then, I will continue to curse the poor defenseless alarm on my phone.  

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

Gail Sheehy

 I call my mom every weeknight and every weekend morning.  Usually we can have a nice conversation, but  on Saturday mornings she tends to loose her cool.  She gets upset because I don't go out preaching on Saturday mornings anymore.  She often says "we use to do the same things on Saturday, but now you've changed."  Quite honestly, I haven't changed much.  I generally do the same things I have for a long time. But I don't go to Witness meetings or preaching anymore.  I think this sums it all up:

Just sayin...

“I refer to Jesus Christ, whose job it was to simplify the Mosaic law, not complicate it, add to it, or build on it” – Regina Samuelson

To whoever left that Memorial invitation in my door this morning:

I realize that the Memorial is tonight.  What I don't understand is that if you were truly concerned about me, or my spiritual welfare, you would have at least written a note saying hi on the invitation. Or maybe put your name on the invite, or possibly invited me sooner than the day of an event.  Don't you realize that people have lives?  Doesn't proper etiquette say that you shouldn’t invite people to an event ON THE DAY it is happening?  Or, maybe you should think about not knocking on people's doors so early in the morning.  You may have thought I was hiding from you as I am sure you saw my car  in the  driveway and my front door was open with the TV blaring.  I actually was taking the dog for a walk, and I was still in my pajamas as I didn’t expect guests so early in the morning on my day off.  I actually was walking up the road when you pulled out of my driveway.  A bit of advice to you:  how about calling first before you "pop in" next time?

I just want you and the rest of the car group to know that I am fine.  I am happy.  My life is quite fulfilling.  I have learned so much during the time before my exit from the religion untill now.  I have discovered my authentic self and I am happy with her.  I can actually say that I love my career without the “evil looks” I would get from the people at the Kingdom Hall if I ever dared admitted to this during the time I was a Witness.  “The only career you are supposed to love is the full time ministry” I was told this countless times, but guess what?  I pioneered for eleven years and I never loved it.  I spent time doing temp work at Bethel and I never loved it.Since my exit, I have met friends and built up a support system of people who like me for who I am, and not what I believe in.  I spend my free time with a special “someone” who has taught me how to love unconditionally , he is my best friend and I love the time we get to spend together. 

So no, I will not be attending you Memorial Service tonight.  I’ll stay home and have a nice glass of Pinot Noir, and  I’ll think about Jesus sacrifice.  I’ll think about his greatest commandment for us, that we “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”( Matt 22:36-40).
Take care, and I'm sure you will feel obliged to come visit me again during the next Circuit Overseer visit.    

Love,
L  

"As servants of Jehovah, we rightly want to look our best, which means dressing in a way that is neat, clean, in good taste, and appropriate for the occasion." - God's Love ch. 5 pp. 50-61

 

Yeah that's my thigh. It was spring "Sprit Week" at the school I work at.  Everyone is a little down and stressed out.  We have state exams for three days starting next week.  Spring break feels like its forever away. We needed this week of funny outfits to ease the stress.  On twin day, I dressed like one of my thirteen year old student, blue sweatshirt, black skinny jeans and sneakers.  Today is black and white dress up day.  So I put on my black skirt, and white blouse.   My short black skirt.  My “not witness approved”  short black skirt.  In all actuality, the skirt really isn’t that short, but according to JW’s views of dress and grooming, showing your knees is immodest.  Granted, some of the girls broke the rules but typically not at meetings or out preaching in filed service.  I never broke the above the knee is bad skirt rule until I officially left.  Here the cover of  a brochure of what the Watchtower Society would like good witnesses to wear:

Take note, the women and the girl in the picture are both wearing skirts to their shins.  I detest skirts that length.  When I was a Witness and a Pioneer, I lived in below the knee pencil skirts.  I wore them everyday to work because I would preach after work, and I had no time to go home and change. I had to make 70 hours of preaching every month, no time for slacks!  At our meetings in was below the knew skirts, and I often wore blazers or cardigan sweaters.  Also high heel shoes were a must!  If I wasn't wearing heels, a nice witness boy would never ask me out.  

Towards the end of my stint as a Witness, when I  didn't care about the stupid dress and grooming rules anymore, I brought a few fit and flare dresses that were above the knee and I wore these dresses with flats.  I think the dresses were cute and comfortable, I'm sure I was on the rumor mill for the congregation because my knees showed.

Yeah, so my knees showed today.  And I had school sprit, another witness no-no.  Oh well. 
 I broke the short skirt rule shown here: 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”

I wish it were spring.  Well, technically it is spring, March 26^th.  What?  It’s March 26^th!?  Honestly,  I was going to write about the nasty cold winter weather we continue to experience here in the North East and how it is really making me feel blah.  I was going to write about how lately I feel like I’m getting anxiety and maybe the reason why I feel this way is because I’m not planning on going to the memorial of Jesus’ death that the witnesses believe is the most important meeting of the year.   I really don’t want to go and I feel guilty about it.  I wanted to tell my readers that my mother lately has been annoying, for example, last night she went on a rant about me not loving her enough, which is a total fallacy as I would do anything for her.     I also wanted to elaborate on the fact that I felt like I was in a rut in my relationship and we had a discussion and everything is in the making for major (good) changes in the future.  I wanted to mention that I’m confused about spirituality and I’m having the feelings of agnosticism are creeping in again.  I wanted you to know that I feel like I am disappointment to everyone   in my family.   I wanted to also say that all these little stressors are causing me to have a dull headache and occasional nausea that doesn’t seem to go away.   But I don’t want to elaborate on any of these things because today is March 26^th, 2014.

Tomorrow is the twenty first anniversary of my baptism as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.   I was a mere twelve year old girl who dedicated her life to the Watchtower Society.  Baptism wasn’t my choice, a year before I was baptized my mother was baptized, that very day she told me I would be getting baptized the next year.  I had no say in the matter.  When you are twelve, you do what you are told.  I was a good little witness for at least the next sixteen years.  A few years before I turned thirty something happened, something changed and I knew I wasn’t living up to my potential.  I wasn’t giving my career my all as I was trying to half heartily be a full time minister at the same time.  I also realized I wanted to be a mother and I knew I couldn’t raise my children to be witnesses.  I looked at all the innocent faces of my students and coworker’s and I realized god wasn’t going to kill all of them at Armageddon.  I knew I believed contrary to what the Society told me to believe.  But in the eyes of Jehovah’s Witnesses, the vow I took at the age of twelve would bind me to them.

 Now a lot of choices I make now no matter how normal or trivial it seems, makes me second guess myself and makes me feel guilty.  They have taken captive of my mind and it is my job to get it back.  It is my goal to continue deprogramming myself, and hopefully next year at this time will be better for me.   Warm weather is coming, and things will get better.   

   "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." -- Aristotle


     It's Valentine's Day!  Ok fine, today is a very conventional holiday and you should tell your loved one's that you appreciate them everyday.  But when I was in school, I watched other girls get stuffed toys and red and pink carnations, I was always slightly jealous and wished someone would give me a cutesy gift on February 14th.

     Last year I was the first year that I ever got anything for Valentine's Day.  My Honey gave me some flowers and a balloon.  It was cute and I was appreciative of my gifts.  I made him a Valentine card.  Since he is conservative politically, I found a little elephant picture with hearts all around him, I colored the picture and I pasted it on red and pink construction paper.  I liked the way it turned out and I vowed that I would always make him a  Valentine on the 14th of February. 

     And today is the day!  But unfortunately I have no supplies at home to make him a Valentine.  I had every intention to make him one at work, where construction paper, glue and markers are plentiful.  There was a nor'easter which brought 19 inches of snow to the area, so I haven't been to work in two days.  So I turned to  my other creative outlet to express my love:  writing.  I will share some excerpts from my personal journal.

March 17, 2010

"I don't believe in forced relationships, don't force me in a relationship I don't want to be in."
(I write this after a failed attempt at a set up by my sister)


August 11, 2010

"The sexual tension can be  cut with a knife, the flirting is strong."
  (This is the first mention of my sweetheart in my writings)


October 17, 2010

"My greatest fear -- that I will end up alone, never experiencing love."

December 25, 2010

"I want...somebody that truly cares about me, that makes me laugh, that I can respect..."
(Little did I know, I already knew him!)

May 31, 2011

"I love the way he lights up when he's passionate about something.  His eyes get so wide and he smiles so big.  I like his dimples, they add to his charm and his boyish good looks.  I love when he teases me.  I love the fact that we can talk yet have comfortable silence.  I love the fact that he thinks he knows me so well, yet I don't even know myself sometimes."
(I wrote this on the night that I realized I was in love with him)

October 23, 2011

"I'm not proud of what I did last night, but I don't feel guilty about it either." 
(That was an interesting night, AKA tee-shirt night, we had a little too much to drink that night, and I tried to "make a move" but to no avail.)


November 4, 2011

"I hate love, especially love that may never come to be.  I didn't mean for it to happen, unfortunately it did.  I love him, I am in love with him." 

October 3, 2012

My heart belongs to him.

November 1, 2012

"I think we may have reached a new level in our relationship...but one thing is for sure, I can't imagine my life without him."
(We were starting to take things seriously by this time.)

October 9, 2013

"Still very much in love with him."


I don't journal a lot anymore.  That entry from October 9, 2013 was my last journal entry.  Journaling use to be an outlet for me, a way to let out my frustrations.  I'm not frustrated anymore.  My boyfriend  is my outlet, he is my best friend, the one I tell my problems and the one I share my hopes and dreams with.  But what I wrote that day in October continues to hold true, I am still very much in love with him.






    

"Life is a highway" - Tom Cochrane


Can life can be compared to as being a highway?  I think it can.  We all "drive on" this highway called life.  For some of us, it is a long ride filled with high points and low points and many curves.  For others, the drive is too short, it is over way to quickly.  Sometimes we get to choose the road to drive on.  Some will chose the nice direct route, flat and predictable.  Others will pick the way that's the most complicated probably getting lost along the way.  We have people we come across during the course of our lives who are like a GPS or maps.  These individuals help us to find our way through the road of life. 

Sometimes though, you are on the nice, direct route.  Everything seems hopeful.  You have plans to get somewhere, you plan of taking your time and enjoying the scenery.  But something happens, maybe your car breaks down or maybe you have an accident and the car doesn't quite function like it used to.  These people may simple get their cars fixed and carry on down the road of life.   I like these people the best.  They continue on living, even if their cars don't work as well or look like they used to.  Will they get to their finial destination?  You bet.  Maybe not the way they expected to, but they will get there.

What about me?  What kind of road did I pick to travel on?  If you ask my family, they would probably say that I am on a road to a dead end.  I am  going to come to a point where the road will just stop and I will have to turn around and return to my former self.  I assure you, this is not the case.  I may not have picked a route that is straight and direct.   My road is windy, maybe not even paved.  It mat appear to be a tough, bumpy route to others, but I am ok,I'll get through it.  I believe this is a short cut, that one day I will hit a smoothly paved highway and it will be a gentle ride from there.   

Welcome 2014!

It is a New Year and I'm ready.  2013 will be known as the year that I officially stopped being a witness. I stopped attending meetings and turning in field service time in July.  That means this month I officially become an "inactive" witness.  I just came back fom a visit with my mother and it was one of the best visits with her that I have ever had.  I think she has finally accepted the fact that I will not return to the Jehovah's Witnesses.  She was non confrontational so we had a real nice time together.  I had a real relaxing New Year's Day.  I enjoyed this holiday season and I even got to celebrate my first Christmas in 27 years.  I'm starting this New year feeling great!