“The urge to shout filthy words at the top of his voice was as strong as ever.”
― George Orwell, 1984

     I don't really curse that much. Well, I say naughty words sometimes, like hell, bitch and ass, but rarely  drop the f-bomb.  Ok, fine, I'm lying.  I curse five days a week when my alarm goes off at 4:50 am.  Our contracted work start time is 7:05 am.  I have a forty minute commute, and with everything I have to do in the mornings,  4:50 is the time my alarm has to go off I. Order for me to be relatively on time.  (Confession...most of the time I'm pulling into my parking space at 7:05 and I'm not in my classroom, that counts as being at the building on time, right?)

    I hate getting up that early.  My body naturally wakes up around 7 am.  Getting up at the crack if dawn irritates me.  I try to go to bed early, but that always doesn't happen.  Thank god for summer vacation!  Soon, I will have a glorious eight weeks in which I can sleep past 6 am.  In only sixteen days, I will turn my alarm clock off  for the summer.  Let the countdown to vacation begin!  Until then, I will continue to curse the poor defenseless alarm on my phone.  

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

Gail Sheehy

 I call my mom every weeknight and every weekend morning.  Usually we can have a nice conversation, but  on Saturday mornings she tends to loose her cool.  She gets upset because I don't go out preaching on Saturday mornings anymore.  She often says "we use to do the same things on Saturday, but now you've changed."  Quite honestly, I haven't changed much.  I generally do the same things I have for a long time. But I don't go to Witness meetings or preaching anymore.  I think this sums it all up:

Just sayin...

“I refer to Jesus Christ, whose job it was to simplify the Mosaic law, not complicate it, add to it, or build on it” – Regina Samuelson

To whoever left that Memorial invitation in my door this morning:

I realize that the Memorial is tonight.  What I don't understand is that if you were truly concerned about me, or my spiritual welfare, you would have at least written a note saying hi on the invitation. Or maybe put your name on the invite, or possibly invited me sooner than the day of an event.  Don't you realize that people have lives?  Doesn't proper etiquette say that you shouldn’t invite people to an event ON THE DAY it is happening?  Or, maybe you should think about not knocking on people's doors so early in the morning.  You may have thought I was hiding from you as I am sure you saw my car  in the  driveway and my front door was open with the TV blaring.  I actually was taking the dog for a walk, and I was still in my pajamas as I didn’t expect guests so early in the morning on my day off.  I actually was walking up the road when you pulled out of my driveway.  A bit of advice to you:  how about calling first before you "pop in" next time?

I just want you and the rest of the car group to know that I am fine.  I am happy.  My life is quite fulfilling.  I have learned so much during the time before my exit from the religion untill now.  I have discovered my authentic self and I am happy with her.  I can actually say that I love my career without the “evil looks” I would get from the people at the Kingdom Hall if I ever dared admitted to this during the time I was a Witness.  “The only career you are supposed to love is the full time ministry” I was told this countless times, but guess what?  I pioneered for eleven years and I never loved it.  I spent time doing temp work at Bethel and I never loved it.Since my exit, I have met friends and built up a support system of people who like me for who I am, and not what I believe in.  I spend my free time with a special “someone” who has taught me how to love unconditionally , he is my best friend and I love the time we get to spend together. 

So no, I will not be attending you Memorial Service tonight.  I’ll stay home and have a nice glass of Pinot Noir, and  I’ll think about Jesus sacrifice.  I’ll think about his greatest commandment for us, that we “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”( Matt 22:36-40).
Take care, and I'm sure you will feel obliged to come visit me again during the next Circuit Overseer visit.    

Love,
L  

"As servants of Jehovah, we rightly want to look our best, which means dressing in a way that is neat, clean, in good taste, and appropriate for the occasion." - God's Love ch. 5 pp. 50-61

 

Yeah that's my thigh. It was spring "Sprit Week" at the school I work at.  Everyone is a little down and stressed out.  We have state exams for three days starting next week.  Spring break feels like its forever away. We needed this week of funny outfits to ease the stress.  On twin day, I dressed like one of my thirteen year old student, blue sweatshirt, black skinny jeans and sneakers.  Today is black and white dress up day.  So I put on my black skirt, and white blouse.   My short black skirt.  My “not witness approved”  short black skirt.  In all actuality, the skirt really isn’t that short, but according to JW’s views of dress and grooming, showing your knees is immodest.  Granted, some of the girls broke the rules but typically not at meetings or out preaching in filed service.  I never broke the above the knee is bad skirt rule until I officially left.  Here the cover of  a brochure of what the Watchtower Society would like good witnesses to wear:

Take note, the women and the girl in the picture are both wearing skirts to their shins.  I detest skirts that length.  When I was a Witness and a Pioneer, I lived in below the knee pencil skirts.  I wore them everyday to work because I would preach after work, and I had no time to go home and change. I had to make 70 hours of preaching every month, no time for slacks!  At our meetings in was below the knew skirts, and I often wore blazers or cardigan sweaters.  Also high heel shoes were a must!  If I wasn't wearing heels, a nice witness boy would never ask me out.  

Towards the end of my stint as a Witness, when I  didn't care about the stupid dress and grooming rules anymore, I brought a few fit and flare dresses that were above the knee and I wore these dresses with flats.  I think the dresses were cute and comfortable, I'm sure I was on the rumor mill for the congregation because my knees showed.

Yeah, so my knees showed today.  And I had school sprit, another witness no-no.  Oh well. 
 I broke the short skirt rule shown here: 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”

I wish it were spring.  Well, technically it is spring, March 26^th.  What?  It’s March 26^th!?  Honestly,  I was going to write about the nasty cold winter weather we continue to experience here in the North East and how it is really making me feel blah.  I was going to write about how lately I feel like I’m getting anxiety and maybe the reason why I feel this way is because I’m not planning on going to the memorial of Jesus’ death that the witnesses believe is the most important meeting of the year.   I really don’t want to go and I feel guilty about it.  I wanted to tell my readers that my mother lately has been annoying, for example, last night she went on a rant about me not loving her enough, which is a total fallacy as I would do anything for her.     I also wanted to elaborate on the fact that I felt like I was in a rut in my relationship and we had a discussion and everything is in the making for major (good) changes in the future.  I wanted to mention that I’m confused about spirituality and I’m having the feelings of agnosticism are creeping in again.  I wanted you to know that I feel like I am disappointment to everyone   in my family.   I wanted to also say that all these little stressors are causing me to have a dull headache and occasional nausea that doesn’t seem to go away.   But I don’t want to elaborate on any of these things because today is March 26^th, 2014.

Tomorrow is the twenty first anniversary of my baptism as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.   I was a mere twelve year old girl who dedicated her life to the Watchtower Society.  Baptism wasn’t my choice, a year before I was baptized my mother was baptized, that very day she told me I would be getting baptized the next year.  I had no say in the matter.  When you are twelve, you do what you are told.  I was a good little witness for at least the next sixteen years.  A few years before I turned thirty something happened, something changed and I knew I wasn’t living up to my potential.  I wasn’t giving my career my all as I was trying to half heartily be a full time minister at the same time.  I also realized I wanted to be a mother and I knew I couldn’t raise my children to be witnesses.  I looked at all the innocent faces of my students and coworker’s and I realized god wasn’t going to kill all of them at Armageddon.  I knew I believed contrary to what the Society told me to believe.  But in the eyes of Jehovah’s Witnesses, the vow I took at the age of twelve would bind me to them.

 Now a lot of choices I make now no matter how normal or trivial it seems, makes me second guess myself and makes me feel guilty.  They have taken captive of my mind and it is my job to get it back.  It is my goal to continue deprogramming myself, and hopefully next year at this time will be better for me.   Warm weather is coming, and things will get better.   

   "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." -- Aristotle


     It's Valentine's Day!  Ok fine, today is a very conventional holiday and you should tell your loved one's that you appreciate them everyday.  But when I was in school, I watched other girls get stuffed toys and red and pink carnations, I was always slightly jealous and wished someone would give me a cutesy gift on February 14th.

     Last year I was the first year that I ever got anything for Valentine's Day.  My Honey gave me some flowers and a balloon.  It was cute and I was appreciative of my gifts.  I made him a Valentine card.  Since he is conservative politically, I found a little elephant picture with hearts all around him, I colored the picture and I pasted it on red and pink construction paper.  I liked the way it turned out and I vowed that I would always make him a  Valentine on the 14th of February. 

     And today is the day!  But unfortunately I have no supplies at home to make him a Valentine.  I had every intention to make him one at work, where construction paper, glue and markers are plentiful.  There was a nor'easter which brought 19 inches of snow to the area, so I haven't been to work in two days.  So I turned to  my other creative outlet to express my love:  writing.  I will share some excerpts from my personal journal.

March 17, 2010

"I don't believe in forced relationships, don't force me in a relationship I don't want to be in."
(I write this after a failed attempt at a set up by my sister)


August 11, 2010

"The sexual tension can be  cut with a knife, the flirting is strong."
  (This is the first mention of my sweetheart in my writings)


October 17, 2010

"My greatest fear -- that I will end up alone, never experiencing love."

December 25, 2010

"I want...somebody that truly cares about me, that makes me laugh, that I can respect..."
(Little did I know, I already knew him!)

May 31, 2011

"I love the way he lights up when he's passionate about something.  His eyes get so wide and he smiles so big.  I like his dimples, they add to his charm and his boyish good looks.  I love when he teases me.  I love the fact that we can talk yet have comfortable silence.  I love the fact that he thinks he knows me so well, yet I don't even know myself sometimes."
(I wrote this on the night that I realized I was in love with him)

October 23, 2011

"I'm not proud of what I did last night, but I don't feel guilty about it either." 
(That was an interesting night, AKA tee-shirt night, we had a little too much to drink that night, and I tried to "make a move" but to no avail.)


November 4, 2011

"I hate love, especially love that may never come to be.  I didn't mean for it to happen, unfortunately it did.  I love him, I am in love with him." 

October 3, 2012

My heart belongs to him.

November 1, 2012

"I think we may have reached a new level in our relationship...but one thing is for sure, I can't imagine my life without him."
(We were starting to take things seriously by this time.)

October 9, 2013

"Still very much in love with him."


I don't journal a lot anymore.  That entry from October 9, 2013 was my last journal entry.  Journaling use to be an outlet for me, a way to let out my frustrations.  I'm not frustrated anymore.  My boyfriend  is my outlet, he is my best friend, the one I tell my problems and the one I share my hopes and dreams with.  But what I wrote that day in October continues to hold true, I am still very much in love with him.






    

"Life is a highway" - Tom Cochrane


Can life can be compared to as being a highway?  I think it can.  We all "drive on" this highway called life.  For some of us, it is a long ride filled with high points and low points and many curves.  For others, the drive is too short, it is over way to quickly.  Sometimes we get to choose the road to drive on.  Some will chose the nice direct route, flat and predictable.  Others will pick the way that's the most complicated probably getting lost along the way.  We have people we come across during the course of our lives who are like a GPS or maps.  These individuals help us to find our way through the road of life. 

Sometimes though, you are on the nice, direct route.  Everything seems hopeful.  You have plans to get somewhere, you plan of taking your time and enjoying the scenery.  But something happens, maybe your car breaks down or maybe you have an accident and the car doesn't quite function like it used to.  These people may simple get their cars fixed and carry on down the road of life.   I like these people the best.  They continue on living, even if their cars don't work as well or look like they used to.  Will they get to their finial destination?  You bet.  Maybe not the way they expected to, but they will get there.

What about me?  What kind of road did I pick to travel on?  If you ask my family, they would probably say that I am on a road to a dead end.  I am  going to come to a point where the road will just stop and I will have to turn around and return to my former self.  I assure you, this is not the case.  I may not have picked a route that is straight and direct.   My road is windy, maybe not even paved.  It mat appear to be a tough, bumpy route to others, but I am ok,I'll get through it.  I believe this is a short cut, that one day I will hit a smoothly paved highway and it will be a gentle ride from there.   

Welcome 2014!

It is a New Year and I'm ready.  2013 will be known as the year that I officially stopped being a witness. I stopped attending meetings and turning in field service time in July.  That means this month I officially become an "inactive" witness.  I just came back fom a visit with my mother and it was one of the best visits with her that I have ever had.  I think she has finally accepted the fact that I will not return to the Jehovah's Witnesses.  She was non confrontational so we had a real nice time together.  I had a real relaxing New Year's Day.  I enjoyed this holiday season and I even got to celebrate my first Christmas in 27 years.  I'm starting this New year feeling great!

Hate

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I open this post with a quote from Dr. King.  He was a man who lived his life in a very non violent, loving way.  The quote above is excellent and I should really practice it myself.  Should is a very important word.  I have hate in my heart right now for my sister and brother in law.  I hate them.  I'm not supposed to hate, especially your own family, but I do.  I prayed last night for the first time in a long time, I asked god to take this rage I have out of my heart, I asked him to bring peace to my soul again.  I don't wish to hate.  Unfortunately the emotion still lives inside of me.  

So I have decided to cut out destructive influences in my life, the ones that cause this unsettling feelings in my soul.  I cut out the the religion that was causing me bad feeling, next I will cut off my sister.  I'm sorry.  You may be family but you have broken me this weekend.  Your words and actions have caused some sort of divide in my life that my love and I have spent the last day trying to fix. I hate you.  I will try to learn from peaceful people like Dr. King.  But for right now, I'm done with you.

Beautiful lights

 I haven't been to a Jehovah's Witness meeting since this summer.  I decided to actually celebrate the holidays this year, without guilt.  I enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving meal with my boyfriend and his family.  I ate way too many desserts, we played  Bingo and even sang karaoke, it was quite an enjoyable evening.  The next night, I got a phone call from my party pooper mother.    "Why would you celebrate such a pagan holiday?" she yelled through the phone.  I informed her that the holiday had no religious roots and it's main theme was for families to get together for a meal.  Then a few days after that, my sister texted me saying "please give thanks to God every day and not just one day a year by eating turkey."  Geez, they clearly have missed the point of the holiday which is to be with family.  Which doesn't surprise  me since our family can't get together without some sort of major argument.

Since I am now like the spawn of Satan because I have decided to celebrate holidays, I figured I would go all out and even decorate my house a little.

I spent this evening watching the Rockefeller tree lighting special, and I even got little butterflies in my stomach when the tree lit up.  I'm beginning to like holidays...

Common Core Modules

Education is not the same anymore.  I haven’t been doing this job for very long.  I completed my teacher education program in May 2003.   After that, I was a substitute teacher, and then I worked as a ESL/Pre GED instructor at a for family literacy program.  I didn’t get my first teaching job until 2006, months after I finished my Master’s degree in Special Education.  In the last few years, there has been significant shifts in education.  One of the major shifts has been the Common Core State standards.  The Common Core State Standards are an initiative that seeks to bring diverse state curricula into alignment with each other.  The idea behind having national standards may be good. I worked in various states thought my career, each state use to have their own set of standards.  If we are a united country, it may be necessary for our school systems to be united too, and to have one goal…to prepare our students to be college and career ready by the end of 12^th grade.

 One of the major problems I have with the Common Core with are the one size fits all Common Core modules that were adopted by the school district I work for, and many other school in New York.  The New York State Department of Education has provided curriculum modules and units in English Language Arts and Math.  These modules are very scripted.  Most everything the teacher must say and do within the lesson is written down.  How much time it takes to do certain activities is also  listed.   The Child's classwork and homework are created by the state.  These teachers are becoming actors, and merely following a script.  There is hardly any room for creativity.  One of my colleagues informed me she gave one of the state created module exams.  There was forty minutes allotted for giving the exam, but none of the students finished in 40 minutes.  She had to continue on in order to get the whole module completed by the end of the quarter.   I teach Social Studies, the state of New York has not yet come out with modules for Social Studies.  But teachers of math and ELA must follow these scripted modules. 

Recently one of my Facebook friends posted about the Common Core modules.  Her son is gifted and at age ten has already skipped a grade.  He graduated from a private elementary school and had to go to public school, because there are no private Middle Schools in her area.  The child is board at school.  He finishes his work quickly and has to wait for other children to catch up.  The teachers can't give this child a different assignment because they must follow these scripted modules.  It was suggested that he be put into a 7th or 8th grade ELA class, but the books they read in these class, based on common core modules, have murder and rape in them so they are not age appropriate.  Everyone's hands are tied in this situation.

One teacher wrote an excellent post about his take on the Common Core modules.  Please read it, and form your own opinions on the Common Core.

theplainsatisfactions.wordpress.com/.../teacher-ken-siders-not-to-miss-perspective-on-classroom-modules/‎

 

Changes...

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

Gail Sheehy

"You've changed". That's what I was told by my mother this summer.  She really doesn't think I have made positive changes in my life, i think that I have.  I believe  all the  so called "changes" I have made are just normal human development. I have set "life" goals for myself.  I have more than just a job, I have a career, one that I enjoy tremendously.  I am beginning to establish roots, I purchased my first home and I have the cutest dog.  I learned about true unconditional love.  I have a stable, loving relationship with my very best friend.  Yes I have changed.

I found this cute little quote that is quite appropriate for me!

"The Declaration is a magnificent document."
Paul Gillmor

My Declaration of Independence

I hold these truths to be self evident, that all people are created equal.  That they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Some of us believe that worshiping a God will help us in our pursuit of happiness.   It is our right as a human to worship God if we choose.   That to secure the right, religion is set up among men.  When a religion becomes destructive, it is the right of the individual to alter his beliefs, or abolish them.  We have a right to follow a new religion, or no religion at all.  It is up to the individual  to decide how to worship, thus likely  effecting their safety and happiness.

When religion has a long train of abuses, and when a person is forced to serve a religious "dictatorship" it is their right, to throw away such a religion and to be concerned about their future mental security. 

Such has affected me as a Jehovah's Witness, and such is now the necessity which forced me to alter my former religion. 

I, therefore do solemnly declare that I am free and independent from the Watchtower Society and that all connection between me and the Society is and ought to be totally dissolved and that I am a free and independent person.  I have full power to decided to serve god on the way I see fit and to develop relationships with who I want, and to think in the way I want and to do all other acts in which independent people do.

A double standard?

"A lie cannot live" -  Martin Luther King, Jr.

There has been a lot of turmoil for me the last few weeks.  Some of my family members know that I don't believe the Jehovah's witnesses have absolute "truth".  They also know that I have done things in my life that I could be disfellowshipped for.  "Disfellowshipping" is a term witnesses use when they shun a former believer because they supposedly have done some kind of "wrongdoing".

Following is the vast list of offences the Watchtower has created for which a Jehovah's Witness can be disfellowshipped or disassociated.

Adultery (sexual intercourse with a person other than your marriage mate)

Apostasy - 

• Rebellion against Jehovah's organization 
• Promoting sects 

Associating with disfellowshipped people

Blood and blood transfusions

Drug use

Drunkenness

Dishonest business practices

Employment violating Christian principles -

• Working for any religious organization 
• Working in a gambling institution 
• Selling tobacco 
• Contract work at a military establishment                                                                               

False Worship -

• Attending another church 
• Following mourning customs that involve false worship

Fornication

• Bestiality 
• Incestuous marriage 
• Artificial insemination and surrogate motherhood.
• "True Christians, therefore, avoid surrogate motherhood as well as any procedures that involve the use of donated sperm, eggs, or embryos" 
• "Artificial insemination of a married woman by a donor other than her husband makes her guilty of adultery" 
• sexual abuse of children 

Fraud

Gambling or related employment

Gluttony

Greediness

Homosexuality

Idolatry

Loose conduct ( The Watchtower defines "loose conduct" as including "disrespect to elders". This 

enables this term to be used to disfellowship for a wide range of offences not elsewhere covered, and as such is used to cover all manner of sins, such as refusal to cease fellowship with disfellowshipped people, or even being contemptuous in a judicial meeting where no other sin can be proven)

Lying

Non neutral activities (involvement in politics and the military)

Military service 

Obscene speech 

Political involvement

Porneia. Includes oral and anal sex between married couples, mutual masturbation between persons 

not married to each other, homosexuality, lesbianism, fornication, adultery, incest, and bestiality.

Slander

Smoking or selling tobacco

Spiritism (includes yoga)

Stealing, thievery

Subversive activity

Uncleanness

• Sexually perverse practices within marriage, such as oral and anal sex 
• Heavy petting and breast fondling 
• Touching of sexual parts 
• Practice of viewing abhorrent Pornography

Violation of secular law

Violence, extreme physical abuse, fits of anger (includes boxing)  

Willful non support of family, endangerment of mates spirituality

Worldly celebrations such as Christmas

This is quite the list!  On their website (which was created mostly for the public to learn more about Witness) the Watchtower Society  make this claim:

http://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/faq/shunning/

But at their district conventions this year, the Witnesses were taught this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yLdwe_6JsU

Is this Christian like behavior?  You decide.

"I'd like to be settled into somewhat of a normal life. Somewhat. I know it's never going to be completely normal."

 Michael Jordan 

Regular - standard - ordinary - common - usual...all of these words are synonyms for "normal".

 But really, what is "normal"?  Do any of us live completely "normal" lives?  When I was more active as a Jehovah's Witness, I thought it was completely "normal" to spend ninty plus hours out monthly preaching to others about the religion.  This was done no matter what the weather.  We endured extreme heat and cold, terential downpours ect.  Now I've scaled back from doing JW activities.  I go to work, I brought a house, I have a dog..."normal"?  Maybe.  

Something great has happend to me, I fell in love! " Normal", most people would say.  We've known each other for a while, we've been through good times (and bad ones).  I can't fathom my life without him.  He treats me well, his family is wonderful.  Looking at him, you notice something...he's always sitting.  The love of my life has disability that requires him to use a wheelchair.  Is our life "normal"?  You bet!  I'm not saying every day is easy.  But "normal" is what you make of it.  Our relationship is regular, standard, ordinary, common and usual.  

A couple of things that are bothering me...

There are two things that are completely taking control of my thoughts today:  testing and cults (or a nicer way to put it High controlling groups).  Two totally different things, but they  are completely occupying my life right now.

On Testing:

The one size fits all approach of standardized testing is convenient but lazy.

James Dyson

 In 2010, New York state adopted a new teacher evaluation law that said 20 percent of a teacher’s evaluation would be based on student growth on a state assessment or other comparable measure; 20 percent would be based on student achievement on other locally selected measures; and 60 percent would be based on locally negotiated evidence of teacher effectiveness. I really don't mind classroom visits or observations from the administrators at school.  They are welcome to my class at any time, honestly they don't bother me.  I feel that I am pretty good at what I do and I have a great rapport with my students.  I work in what is considered an "underprivileged" school district and the majority of my students have learning disabilities or other issues that may affect how they learn.  The problem is, they don't test well. 

Teachers in New York now have to set goals via a SLO for their students.  A Student Learning Objective (SLO) is an academic goal for a teacher’s students representing the most important learning for the semester or course. SLOs must include baseline performance data for each student, benchmarks to assess progress, and growth goal targets. SLOs are aligned to New York State’s Common Core, national or state standards. Teachers’ effectiveness scores for this component of their evaluation will be based upon the degree to which their goals are attained. 

What's wrong with a teacher setting goals for their students?  Nothing.  But I have a big problem with these SLO's, now students have to take a pre and post written test for every course they take.  I'm talking about EVERYTHING, including gym, art, music, home and careers and the like.  How is over testing producing well rounded students?  My students are sick of tests and I'm sick of them.  Here's my other issue with setting goals:  what if I set high expectations for my students and they don't achieve the test score that I thought they would achieve while another teacher teaching the same subject sets out a lower goal for all of her students, am I an ineffective teacher because I set the bar high?  Ok, I’m done venting about test.

On Cults:

One person's religion is another person's cult.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

One dictionary defines a cult as:

A system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object.

A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister

Deception lies at the core of mind-manipulating and high-demand ("cultic") groups and programs. One person who has extensively studied cults is Steven Hassan.  Steven Hassan became involved with the Moonies and upon being 'deprogrammed' went on to become a world's renowned cult specialist. The rising number of manipulative groups makes his books Combating Cult Mind Control (Park Street Press 1990) and Releasing the Bonds (Freedom of Mind Press 2000) important reading.

Destructive mind control can be understood in terms of four basic components, which form the acronym BITE:

Behavior Control (ex. Rigid rules and regulations,  a major time commitment to the group ect)

Information Control (ex. Use of deception, Access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged, extensive use of cult generated information and propaganda ect)

Thought Control (Need to internalize the group's doctrine as "Truth", Black and White thinking, No critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy seen as legitimate ect)

 Emotional Control (Excessive use of guilt and fear, Fear of the "outside" world, the thought that there is no happiness or fulfillment outside of the group)

Since my spiritual "wake up" has happened, I have come to realize that Jehovah's witnesses are just another high control group and they don't have exclusive rights to the "truth".  Since this time, other high control groups have been intriguing to me.  I have been drawn to reading books and watching TV about the Amish as well as fundamentalist Mormons.  Although these groups have very different beliefs, they are all high control groups and share that similarity. 

Anyway, the reason why cults are bothering me today is because my sister (who is very brainwashed) gave me a call this afternoon.  I believe that she knows I have slowed down in my "service to Jehovah"  she thinks her call was encouraging to me, rather it just sounded crazy.  Here is some of what happened:

Me - How's Mexico (the JW headquarters sent her and her husband there on assignment)

Sister - Great! The JW's here are so nice, they are nothing like the worldly people (JW phrase for non witnesses) there is nothing out there in the world.  The people here are so poor they really need the truth.  But Bethel (where they are staying, JW owned and built) so beautiful...

JW's build beautiful facilities while the people who live outside of the facilities are starving.  They don't help out in the community or provided services for the poor, this behavior is so un Christian.  Then they have the audacity to think they are superior to EVERYONE else, people like Mother Therese and Gandhi are not important to witnesses because they were not witnesses.

Ok I'm done venting, thanks for reading!  Bless you if you got to the end of this blog post!!

June 1

“I will not eat cakes or cookies or food. I will be thin, thin, pure. I will be pure and empty. Weight dropping off. Ninety-nine... ninety-five... ninety-two... ninety. Just one more to eighty-nine. Where does it go? Where in the universe does it go?” 

― Francesca Lia Block, Echo

June 1st used to be an important date for me. The fifteen year old me had a specific goal for that date, I would be 120 lbs.  I never knew exactly how much weight I lost that year because before my extreme dieting started, I was afraid of scales.  If I could avoid them I would.  Then something happend, I decided that I needed to loose weight, I gave myself the goal of being 120lbs by June 1st.  I lost a lot of weigh that winter, to the point that a few months into my dieting I could not fit my clothing.  At one point I remember my family telling me that I looked good and I should stop loosing but I had a goal to achieve, I needed to be 120lbs even if it ment that I would cut back on what I ate, drastically.  Food became my enemy.  I counted every calorie, even the ones in a stick of gum or a breath mint.  I ate no sweets and avoided fat if at all possible.  My hands and feet were always freezing, possibly due to iron deficiency anima. I hardly had any energy, but I was skinny!

120lbs sounds like a "normal" body weight for someone my height, but in my body frame I was skinny.  My sister used to wrap her fingers around my ankles, my collar bones would protrude out.  I didn't care though.  By June 1st that year, I had reached my goal but I didn't stop there I continued to diet thought the summer.  I was finally winning the fight against the scale.  

I kept the weight off for abou a year, I celebrated my first June 1st anniversary as a skinny girl.  But something  happened that winter, the scale broke and my mom refused to buy a new one.  I became less obsessed with food and begain eating normally again.  By the time I weighed myself again, I had gained 15 lbs. I tried to loose th weight but I couldn't bring myself to be obsessed with food again.

Through the seventeen years since my original weight loss, my weight has gone up and down but it has never reached the point where I begain my journey as an overweight person.  I've learned the importance of regular exercise and balanced meals with little treats here and there.  This June 1st, I started out the morning with a nine mile bike ride and ended the day with a handful of m&ms.  

The Ten Commandments

Once you depart from the Ten Commandments as being the foundation of right and wrong, you are in a free fall.

Randall Terry 

In my opinion, there is probably no better set of moral laws then The Ten Commandments.  God has provided us with ten straight forward laws that we should follow.  If everyone in the world took to these laws, the world would be a much better place to live.  Here is a list of the simplified Ten Commandments:

1.  Put god first

2.  Worship god only

3.  Use god's name with respect

4.  Remember god's sabbath

5.  Respect your parents

6.  Do not hurt or kill people

7.  Be faithful in marriage

8.  Do not steal

9.  Do not lie

10.  Do not be envious of others

This was from an article  entitled 15 things you should give up to be happy http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/

I especially liked number 15:

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.