Free will

"God isn't about making good things happen to you, or bad things happen to you. He's all about you making choices--exercising the gift of free will. God wants you to have good things and a good life, but He won't gift wrap them for you. You have to choose the actions that lead you to that life.”
― Jim Butcher

I hate that others think they know what will make me happy. I went through a little low in my life last year. My sister insisted that my depression was caused by my job. This of course was not the case. Even though there are some highs and lows with my job, I really enjoy it most of the time, I couldn't see myself doing anything else. She thought she knew what would make me happy.

I am told constantly that Jehovahs people are the happiest people on earth. For example, Watchtower 1999 10/1 p. 8  says:
"Of course, the fact that Jehovahs servants "weep" over the sorry state of world affairs does not preclude their being happy. On the contrary! They are actually the happiest group of people on earth."

 If they think they are happy, so be it. I hope they enjoy their pseudo happiness. But don't try and tell me what will make me happy.

We are all created with free will and we can choose to live our lives the way we see fit. Maybe I don't want to spend seventy hours a month telling people they must join my religion, or they will die anymore. Maybe I don't want to sit through four hours of mind numbing meetings every week. Rather, I'm enjoying the simple things with my time. I want to garden. I enjoy walking the dog. I like to exercise. I enjoy spending time with my love. I am happy.

Sleeping arrangements

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know"? Earnest Hemingway

Last night, we hit a milestone in our relationship, we decided to sleep together. Now get your mind out the gutter, I'm not talking about that kind of sleep, I'm talking about the restful slumber kind of sleep. I've been waiting for this opportunity for a long time.

He is over six feet tall and has a extra long twin bed. And it's a specific kind of bed to accommodate him and his injury. Injury. Yes, not a recent injury though. This injury is twenty years old but it stares at us in the face daily. He has a spinal cord injury from an automobile accident. His injury affects his arms, chest and legs, hence the need for the unique bed.

Anyway, we positioned him in a way that I could get maximum space, which wasn't much space at all. I started sleeping with my head on his chest and his arm was behind my head. I liked sleeping like that, I could hear his heart beat. But he had to check every once and a while to make sure he had circulation in his arm. At some point in the night I ended up with my head facing the opposite direction of his and my feet in his face. Along with this awkward positioning I had a creek in my neck. At a certain point i began to wonder what time it was and I looked at the clock, it was already six a.m. We had made it though the night together. So now I have a stiff neck, and a smile on my face what a cozy night.

Spiritually weak

“Life will get much better when you stop caring about what everyone thinks, and start to actually live for yourself.” - Robert Tew

I used to be a good  Jehovah's witness.  I followed most of the JW rules.  I attended weekly meetings, never celebrated a holiday and rarly  associated with people who weren't witnesses.  I also devoted much of my free time to their religious cause.  I spent eleven years as a full time preacher (pioneer), I volunteered 70 hours a month or 840 hours a year preaching to people.  I even had more "special" witness privileges:  I spent three summers picking blueberrys in the hot sun three days a week at a complex where they produce religious literature.  At the same complex there is an infarmary where older, infermed witnesses who have spent many years living at the complex stay.  I worked a weekend at least every three months in that infarmary for twelve hour shifts for about two years.  I read every word of new publications produced by the witnesses.  I really know how to be a "good witness".

But I just don't care to be a good witness anymore.  I know what they teach is not absolute truth.  Witnesses think their religion is the only one that truly teaches god's word.  When a member of the witnesses slows down in their activity, or does not patricipate fully in witness activity, they are often labeled as "spiritually weak". These individuals may need "encouragement" from "stronger" JW members.  I'm sure some witness see that I am "slowing down".  I'm sure that it is just a matter of time before I become someone's special project, and the will try to give me "spirtual assistance".  I really don't need any assistance, as I have deprogrammed myself.  I'm mentally free from the witness beliefs.  No assistance needed here!  

On life

Unfortunately, instead of doing my normal Saturday morning routine of cleaning, laundry and the gym, I attended a memorial service for my sister's father in law. Although I didn't known him well, he seemed like a great person. He was a medical doctor, professor and he did lots of volunteer work in various countries. I cried for him. When I go to funerals, it oftentimes brings back memories of my own fathers funeral ten years ago. It hurts. I hate death.

Going to funerals reminds me to make the most of my own life. I try to be a good person and make my mark on this world to the best of my abilities. There are so many opinions on what happens to humans when they die, I have enough faith to believe that there is something more, maybe it's even better on the other side. But we should embrace our lives now. And make sure we share every moment the good, and the not so good with the people who love us.

Spring?

Its 10:30 on a Tuesday. At this time, I should be in third period, seventh grade United States History. Instead I am home in my sweats doing laundry. Snow day! It's currently sleeting out, my guess is that there is around 7 inches of snow outside. Don't get me wrong, I like snow days but a snow day the day before the official start of spring really stinks. I'm so over winter. I also have determined that whatever they say about New York having four seasons is a lie, there are only two seasons, winter and summer. Hopefully within the next month or so, I'll be complaining about how warm the weather is...

The loss of a "good" child

I am a very passive person.  I hate fights and arguments.   I work in a middle school and this week I lost it and yelled at the kids in my eighth period class.  I had not done that in years and I felt really bad about it.  I try to avoid confirmation and I never intend to cause people any grief.  Unfortunately, in the last few years I have caused my mom great suffering. It's true, what I have done seems minuscule to most people, but all this is a big deal to my mother...I have given up on religion.  Not  all religion, but I just don't agree with the one she raised me in.  I haven't fully left the Jehovah's witnesses, but I'm really teetering on the edge, barley  hanging onto the religion.  She knows how I feel, and she knows that I stay for family reasons but she still hasn't accepted my decisions yet.

But that's not the only problem.  I'm in a relationship with a non witness.  This is a big no-no to the witnesses.  They want you to only date and even be friends with other witnesses. This is one of many JW teachings I cannot agree with.  Anyway, a phone call with my mom the morning got me thinking of the stages a loss which are:

• Denial, numbness, and shock
• Bargaining 
• Depression
• Anger
• Acceptance

I think my mom is grieving the loss of what she thinks is the ideal child.  Although I'm 32 years old and I'm really not a child, I had followed mostly everything she told me right up until the time I turned 30.  So back to her grieving, she's not at all doing the stages of loss  in order, I think her first reaction to it all was bargaining.  She tried to make deals and plea bargains with me.  Then  it was anger, there was a point when  she was really, really angry with me.  Then she fell into a depression over me.  Now I believe she's in denial.  On the phone this morning she was asking me where I would be attending the JW conventions this summer (I don't think these are a big deal anymore) and then she said something very weird.  It snowed overnight here on the east coast.  She then told me to be careful shoveling because she knew a women who recently fell while shoveling and miscarried her child.  My response to this was "I'm not pregnant". Her response to me was "of course you're not pregnant you don't have a partner".  Yep, she's in denial.  So that leaves only one more stage to go through, that's acceptance.  I hope this happens soon.

Daylight Savings

Its Daylight Savings time this weekend.  Most grumble at the thought of losing the hour of sleep Saturday night into Sunday.  But this day is celebratory for us.  It was exactly a year ago on the Saturday evening before daylight savings time that I first attacked him.  The weapon of choice was my lips.   It started as a somewhat normal Saturday evening; I brought a few drinks over to his house.  At that time I had the hugest crush on him, and my sober self could almost pretend that I didn't.   It  was hard to hold off my feelings after a number of flavored vodka shots. 

I barely remember the events leading up to the “attack”.  I remember us having a fair amount of distance between us.  I remember him saying "I really dig you".  I remember smiling and thinking to myself "maybe he likes me back".  Somehow in between all these thoughts, I acted  on my feeling and  the next thing I remember was sitting on his lap, kissing him and enjoying every second of it until, he played this song for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Df5dmYvmB4

The verse in the song about it being just one night kept playing in my mind.  Of course my drunk self had no control of the words that started to spill from my mouth, "but I love you" I told him.  I went home that night in tears.  What had I done?   Had I destroyed my relationship with my very best friend?  I woke up late the next morning, in between looing the hour of sleep and the tears I didn't feel like facing the world.

But the story doesn’t end here.  This is only the beginning, something happened.  Our friendship stayed intact and  a loving relationship started to flourish.  Originally, we would share a few kisses every now and then.  Then this developed into almost daily visits, texts and phone calls.  When exactly did we become a “we” I can't pinpoint a first date or being asked to be his girlfriend, but  I can point to daylight savings time as being the day that spark officially began. 

So we will celebrate a year of mostly smiles and pure bliss, and sometimes tears (I'm winning the crying contest by many points).  A year of figuring it all out.  A year of helpful advice, and someone always to turn to.  A year of true love, and the hope of many more years of happiness.