Spring?

Its 10:30 on a Tuesday. At this time, I should be in third period, seventh grade United States History. Instead I am home in my sweats doing laundry. Snow day! It's currently sleeting out, my guess is that there is around 7 inches of snow outside. Don't get me wrong, I like snow days but a snow day the day before the official start of spring really stinks. I'm so over winter. I also have determined that whatever they say about New York having four seasons is a lie, there are only two seasons, winter and summer. Hopefully within the next month or so, I'll be complaining about how warm the weather is...

The loss of a "good" child

I am a very passive person.  I hate fights and arguments.   I work in a middle school and this week I lost it and yelled at the kids in my eighth period class.  I had not done that in years and I felt really bad about it.  I try to avoid confirmation and I never intend to cause people any grief.  Unfortunately, in the last few years I have caused my mom great suffering. It's true, what I have done seems minuscule to most people, but all this is a big deal to my mother...I have given up on religion.  Not  all religion, but I just don't agree with the one she raised me in.  I haven't fully left the Jehovah's witnesses, but I'm really teetering on the edge, barley  hanging onto the religion.  She knows how I feel, and she knows that I stay for family reasons but she still hasn't accepted my decisions yet.

But that's not the only problem.  I'm in a relationship with a non witness.  This is a big no-no to the witnesses.  They want you to only date and even be friends with other witnesses. This is one of many JW teachings I cannot agree with.  Anyway, a phone call with my mom the morning got me thinking of the stages a loss which are:

• Denial, numbness, and shock
• Bargaining 
• Depression
• Anger
• Acceptance

I think my mom is grieving the loss of what she thinks is the ideal child.  Although I'm 32 years old and I'm really not a child, I had followed mostly everything she told me right up until the time I turned 30.  So back to her grieving, she's not at all doing the stages of loss  in order, I think her first reaction to it all was bargaining.  She tried to make deals and plea bargains with me.  Then  it was anger, there was a point when  she was really, really angry with me.  Then she fell into a depression over me.  Now I believe she's in denial.  On the phone this morning she was asking me where I would be attending the JW conventions this summer (I don't think these are a big deal anymore) and then she said something very weird.  It snowed overnight here on the east coast.  She then told me to be careful shoveling because she knew a women who recently fell while shoveling and miscarried her child.  My response to this was "I'm not pregnant". Her response to me was "of course you're not pregnant you don't have a partner".  Yep, she's in denial.  So that leaves only one more stage to go through, that's acceptance.  I hope this happens soon.

Daylight Savings

Its Daylight Savings time this weekend.  Most grumble at the thought of losing the hour of sleep Saturday night into Sunday.  But this day is celebratory for us.  It was exactly a year ago on the Saturday evening before daylight savings time that I first attacked him.  The weapon of choice was my lips.   It started as a somewhat normal Saturday evening; I brought a few drinks over to his house.  At that time I had the hugest crush on him, and my sober self could almost pretend that I didn't.   It  was hard to hold off my feelings after a number of flavored vodka shots. 

I barely remember the events leading up to the “attack”.  I remember us having a fair amount of distance between us.  I remember him saying "I really dig you".  I remember smiling and thinking to myself "maybe he likes me back".  Somehow in between all these thoughts, I acted  on my feeling and  the next thing I remember was sitting on his lap, kissing him and enjoying every second of it until, he played this song for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Df5dmYvmB4

The verse in the song about it being just one night kept playing in my mind.  Of course my drunk self had no control of the words that started to spill from my mouth, "but I love you" I told him.  I went home that night in tears.  What had I done?   Had I destroyed my relationship with my very best friend?  I woke up late the next morning, in between looing the hour of sleep and the tears I didn't feel like facing the world.

But the story doesn’t end here.  This is only the beginning, something happened.  Our friendship stayed intact and  a loving relationship started to flourish.  Originally, we would share a few kisses every now and then.  Then this developed into almost daily visits, texts and phone calls.  When exactly did we become a “we” I can't pinpoint a first date or being asked to be his girlfriend, but  I can point to daylight savings time as being the day that spark officially began. 

So we will celebrate a year of mostly smiles and pure bliss, and sometimes tears (I'm winning the crying contest by many points).  A year of figuring it all out.  A year of helpful advice, and someone always to turn to.  A year of true love, and the hope of many more years of happiness. 

Being brave

I have a dog that weighs less than fifteen pounds. She has a tough bark for a little dog. Right at this moment she's looking out the window growling at the neighbors. Of course she really couldn't defend me if a burglar decided to come in, but she's a brave little thing and I can learn a lesson on being brave from her.

I am a grown women. Actually I'll be thirty-two on Wednesday. I have a decent job and I own a home. I have been living alone for quite some time. I am independent but unfortunately I am continuing to let others run my life. I generally have good judgement and I know what's healthy for me and what's not. But I'm afraid to stand up and speak for myself to rid my life of what's toxic all because I'm not brave enough to do it. Maybe I'll find that bravery one day. But for now, I'll admire my skinny little dog.

I did something I didn't mean to do this weekend, I fell in love with another guy. No worries though, this new guy is furry, four months old and probably weighs five pounds. He's a little yorkie puppy! I have a little dog named Gwen. I adopted her last year from a shelter. I have no idea what type of dog she is, but she only weighs about fifteen pounds. She is full of energy, she also loves people and other dogs. I got her when I was having a tough time last year mentally. My dear friend suggested I get a dog so that I'll have a loyal little friend and someone to take care of. I picked Gwen at the shelter and not her brother because she was so lively and when I picked her up, she licked my face. It was love with that first kiss.

I never had a dog before, growing up cats where the family pet. So I have one dog and now I want another. I took at trip to a dog breeder this weekend just to look at the puppies but as soon as I held this little guy I wanted him. Unfortunately (or maybe it's fortunately), I began thinking with my mind and not my heart. Can I really take care of another pet? So I went home without the little guy and three days later, I'm still thinking about him. I asked Gwen if she wants a brother, she looked at me crocked her head and then continued to chew on her ball. I took that answer as a yes. So I'm still only the mother of one dog right now, maybe if its all meant to be ill be the mom of two. Which is funny because I have said that if I'm ever blessed with a child one day I would want only one, now I realize I can't even be the m to one dog without the desire to have another...

What's "good" about me?

     I'm tired today.  I felt defeated the whole day today.  I need encouragement and hugs.  So I turned to writing which has always been therapy for me.  I have always had low self esteem.  I hardly ever feel or speak highly of myself.  I was told that maybe I should try to write some of my good qualities down.  This is extremely hard for me.  I can come up with a lot of my flaws, but for the sake of this exercise, I'll spare everyone my bad traits and try to come up with a few of my good traits.

1.  I think I'm a good listener. I may not give the best advice, but if you need a listening ear and someone that won't spill your deep dark secrets into the rumor mill, I'm your girl.

2.  I try to be as helpful as possible, just ask I'll more than likely say yes.

Wow this is hard...I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to comeuppance with some more qualities.

3.  Oh yes!  I'm compassionate, I try not to hurt others, and when I do (accidentally) ill try to make it better.

4.  You can depend on me, I try and keep my word.

5.  I'm extremely patient.

This is getting easier!

6.  I believe I'm some what intelligent.

7.  I'm honest.

8.  I'm going to end my list with I'm loving.

Writing this list has made me feel a little better about myself.  😊

Love

Wikipedia says "Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection Love may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals." The bible, at 1 corinthians 13:4-8 says love is "patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

There are many types of love, I love my family, I love my friends, but romantic love is something really special. There are countless love songs and movies based on it. Some people search their whole lives for it. Some people say they found it, but unfortunately the fall out of it quickly. There are self help books and web sites designed for one to find their "soul mates". When it is found love can be euphoric. Love can be the source of so much happiness. So why do others feel like they need to interfere with the love life of others based on trivial things?

Think about the story of Romeo and Juliette. They gave up their lives for love. Unfortunately, they couldn't be together because their family members hated each other. I understand families wanting to be involved in your relationships because they really want you to be happy and they don't want others to hurt you. If your partner has some sort of major personality flaw, or the like, I think it's only right for your family or friends to warn you before you get deep into the relationship. But if they hate your partner only because they are a different race, religion, social status etc., this is wrong on so many levels. Why deny love on trivial matters when it's so hard to find in the first place?