The loss of a "good" child

I am a very passive person.  I hate fights and arguments.   I work in a middle school and this week I lost it and yelled at the kids in my eighth period class.  I had not done that in years and I felt really bad about it.  I try to avoid confirmation and I never intend to cause people any grief.  Unfortunately, in the last few years I have caused my mom great suffering. It's true, what I have done seems minuscule to most people, but all this is a big deal to my mother...I have given up on religion.  Not  all religion, but I just don't agree with the one she raised me in.  I haven't fully left the Jehovah's witnesses, but I'm really teetering on the edge, barley  hanging onto the religion.  She knows how I feel, and she knows that I stay for family reasons but she still hasn't accepted my decisions yet.

But that's not the only problem.  I'm in a relationship with a non witness.  This is a big no-no to the witnesses.  They want you to only date and even be friends with other witnesses. This is one of many JW teachings I cannot agree with.  Anyway, a phone call with my mom the morning got me thinking of the stages a loss which are:

• Denial, numbness, and shock
• Bargaining 
• Depression
• Anger
• Acceptance

I think my mom is grieving the loss of what she thinks is the ideal child.  Although I'm 32 years old and I'm really not a child, I had followed mostly everything she told me right up until the time I turned 30.  So back to her grieving, she's not at all doing the stages of loss  in order, I think her first reaction to it all was bargaining.  She tried to make deals and plea bargains with me.  Then  it was anger, there was a point when  she was really, really angry with me.  Then she fell into a depression over me.  Now I believe she's in denial.  On the phone this morning she was asking me where I would be attending the JW conventions this summer (I don't think these are a big deal anymore) and then she said something very weird.  It snowed overnight here on the east coast.  She then told me to be careful shoveling because she knew a women who recently fell while shoveling and miscarried her child.  My response to this was "I'm not pregnant". Her response to me was "of course you're not pregnant you don't have a partner".  Yep, she's in denial.  So that leaves only one more stage to go through, that's acceptance.  I hope this happens soon.