“I will not eat cakes or cookies or food. I will be thin, thin, pure. I will be pure and empty. Weight dropping off. Ninety-nine... ninety-five... ninety-two... ninety. Just one more to eighty-nine. Where does it go? Where in the universe does it go?”
June 1st used to be an important date for me. The fifteen year old me had a specific goal for that date, I would be 120 lbs. I never knew exactly how much weight I lost that year because before my extreme dieting started, I was afraid of scales. If I could avoid them I would. Then something happend, I decided that I needed to loose weight, I gave myself the goal of being 120lbs by June 1st. I lost a lot of weigh that winter, to the point that a few months into my dieting I could not fit my clothing. At one point I remember my family telling me that I looked good and I should stop loosing but I had a goal to achieve, I needed to be 120lbs even if it ment that I would cut back on what I ate, drastically. Food became my enemy. I counted every calorie, even the ones in a stick of gum or a breath mint. I ate no sweets and avoided fat if at all possible. My hands and feet were always freezing, possibly due to iron deficiency anima. I hardly had any energy, but I was skinny!
120lbs sounds like a "normal" body weight for someone my height, but in my body frame I was skinny. My sister used to wrap her fingers around my ankles, my collar bones would protrude out. I didn't care though. By June 1st that year, I had reached my goal but I didn't stop there I continued to diet thought the summer. I was finally winning the fight against the scale.
I kept the weight off for abou a year, I celebrated my first June 1st anniversary as a skinny girl. But something happened that winter, the scale broke and my mom refused to buy a new one. I became less obsessed with food and begain eating normally again. By the time I weighed myself again, I had gained 15 lbs. I tried to loose th weight but I couldn't bring myself to be obsessed with food again.
Through the seventeen years since my original weight loss, my weight has gone up and down but it has never reached the point where I begain my journey as an overweight person. I've learned the importance of regular exercise and balanced meals with little treats here and there. This June 1st, I started out the morning with a nine mile bike ride and ended the day with a handful of m&ms.
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