“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”

I wish it were spring.  Well, technically it is spring, March 26^th.  What?  It’s March 26^th!?  Honestly,  I was going to write about the nasty cold winter weather we continue to experience here in the North East and how it is really making me feel blah.  I was going to write about how lately I feel like I’m getting anxiety and maybe the reason why I feel this way is because I’m not planning on going to the memorial of Jesus’ death that the witnesses believe is the most important meeting of the year.   I really don’t want to go and I feel guilty about it.  I wanted to tell my readers that my mother lately has been annoying, for example, last night she went on a rant about me not loving her enough, which is a total fallacy as I would do anything for her.     I also wanted to elaborate on the fact that I felt like I was in a rut in my relationship and we had a discussion and everything is in the making for major (good) changes in the future.  I wanted to mention that I’m confused about spirituality and I’m having the feelings of agnosticism are creeping in again.  I wanted you to know that I feel like I am disappointment to everyone   in my family.   I wanted to also say that all these little stressors are causing me to have a dull headache and occasional nausea that doesn’t seem to go away.   But I don’t want to elaborate on any of these things because today is March 26^th, 2014.

Tomorrow is the twenty first anniversary of my baptism as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.   I was a mere twelve year old girl who dedicated her life to the Watchtower Society.  Baptism wasn’t my choice, a year before I was baptized my mother was baptized, that very day she told me I would be getting baptized the next year.  I had no say in the matter.  When you are twelve, you do what you are told.  I was a good little witness for at least the next sixteen years.  A few years before I turned thirty something happened, something changed and I knew I wasn’t living up to my potential.  I wasn’t giving my career my all as I was trying to half heartily be a full time minister at the same time.  I also realized I wanted to be a mother and I knew I couldn’t raise my children to be witnesses.  I looked at all the innocent faces of my students and coworker’s and I realized god wasn’t going to kill all of them at Armageddon.  I knew I believed contrary to what the Society told me to believe.  But in the eyes of Jehovah’s Witnesses, the vow I took at the age of twelve would bind me to them.

 Now a lot of choices I make now no matter how normal or trivial it seems, makes me second guess myself and makes me feel guilty.  They have taken captive of my mind and it is my job to get it back.  It is my goal to continue deprogramming myself, and hopefully next year at this time will be better for me.   Warm weather is coming, and things will get better.